unconventional fairytale
by asdawnbreaks
Summary: With Tara moved off to Chicago to chase her dreams, Jax is in Charming, stuck with the memory of her. He reflects on how they met, how they fell in love, and everything leading up to her coming back.
1. Chapter 1

_Takes place six years before season one begins…_

"And that's how we'll put our retaliation on the Mayan's," Clay explained. Jax nodded in approval, even though he really hadn't heard what was being said. He took a drag off his cigarette before he realized Tig was staring at him from across the table.

"What?"

"Are you with us, man?"

Jax nodded, "Of course."

"Well if there's no questions," Clay continued, "meeting adjourned."

He banged the gavel, releasing them from the table. Jax was one of the last ones to rise from the table, still dwelling on his thoughts. He knew he should be gearing up for the job tonight, but for some reason he just couldn't focus.

Tig poured shots on the bar, and Clay warned them not to get too hammered before tonight – they had a job to do, after all. Jax took a sweet shot of whiskey, wondering why he was so on edge today, but the calendar behind Tig caught his eye.

September 22.

He rolled his eyes. It had been six years to the day. He took another shot of the whiskey and finished his cigarette.

"What's on your mind, brother?" Opie asked as he sat on the bar next to Jax.

Jax just grinned, "Wondering when the hell you're going to trim that ridiculous beard." It was his traditional response when he was lost in thought – the first thing that always came to mind.

Opie laughed, "C'mon, what's up?"

"Do you know what today is?" he sighed.

Opie's eyes flickered up to the calendar behind the bar and then he brought his hands up to rub the bridge of his nose. For some reason, Opie always knew what Jax was thinking, and if he didn't, he could easily catch up. Of course Opie knew what today was, he had been there.

"Shit, man. How many years has it been?"

"Five. We were juniors in high school."

"Are you going to be okay tonight?" Opie asked as he put a hand on Jax's shoulder. "After the job, I mean. Donna won't mind if you stay at the house." Jax just shook his head, he would survive.

But for some reason, he couldn't forget the look in her eyes that night.

–

Missy Jordan had gotten on Opie's nerves since Kindergarten. It used to be manageable, but since Tara Knowles had moved to town, the two had become inseparable and it only made Opie more irritable. It never mattered what class they had, he always ended up sitting next to one of them, and he always ended up bitching about them to Jax afterward. They were either too smart, too smart-assed, or too pretty – always a distraction.

They hung out with a different breed of friends than Jax and Opie did – they were destined to become Men of Mayhem, Sons of Anarchy, outlaws, while Tara and Missy's crowd was going to become fine, upstanding citizens of Charming, California.

Jax had become pretty good at zoning out during Opie's rants about Tara and Missy, nodding when needed, cursing when he should, but he just really didn't care. He had only met them once and they didn't really say anything to him, so he really didn't mind them.

"So are you going to come over tonight?" Opie asked as they made their way out of Charming High School.

Jax shrugged. Piney and the rest of the Sons were going to do club business down in Arizona, and Piney had left the house in Opie's care. Opie was notorious for throwing ridiculous parties when his dad was gone, tonight would be no different.

"I don't know, Ope. Shouldn't we head to the clubhouse in case they get back early?"

Opie cocked an eyebrow at Jax, "We're not even prospects, we have no place there. But Marcie on the other hand… she's been asking about you, bro."

Jax just shrugged. Macie was pretty and all, but she was just like all the Crow-Eaters that hung around the SAMCRO clubhouse – boring.

"Just promise me you won't hook up with Olivia Cresent again tonight, Ope. She's going to do something stupid to keep you around."

Opie laughed, straddling his bike, "I promise I won't… if you show up."

"Fine, what time do you want me there?"

…

At 9:15, Jax said goodbye to Gemma and headed out the door. Opie had directed him to head to a gas station, get three bottles of whiskey, and head out to the party. It made no difference that he was only sixteen, everyone in Charming was afraid of the Sons, meaning they wouldn't refuse Opie and Jax liquor because they were afraid of Clay.

It almost bothered Jax that everyone was so afraid of him because of his parents. His father had been a forced to be reckoned with, Clay and Gemma even more so. But he was destined to follow in their footsteps, no matter how hard he tried to get away from it.

The liquor was cheap and fit in one sack… that was too big for his bike's saddlebags. Some days it was a little tedious to only have a bike instead of a car, but there was no question in what he bought the day he got his license.

As he tried to figure out which pocket to put the liquor in, he recognized Missy's white Camaro pull into the parking lot, and Tara in the shotgun seat. While the two of them hated Opie with a passion, they were always somewhat nice to Jax, so when Missy waved, he waved back. He nodded at Tara, but Tara didn't wave back. He waited till the girls got out of the car before calling to Tara.

"Too good to wave?"

She frowned, "I don't even know who you are. I don't wave at strangers."

Jax walked over to the car, extending a hand. "I'm Jax Teller."

She cocked an eyebrow at him and tucked her hand close to her chest. "Tara Knowles."

Jax tried to keep a smile on his face, it wasn't often that he was shut down by a girl.

"I guess now I can say that I've met everyone in Charming High."

Tara didn't smile, "Guess you can."

"Looks like you're destined for a party," Missy sneered, looking at the Jack Daniel's in the plastic sack.

Jax shrugged, "Ope's having a party, you two should come."

The words were out of his mouth before he realized what he was saying. What the hell would Missy and Tara do at one of Opie's ragers?

"Opie Winston?" Missy asked. "He hates us."

He couldn't invite them and then not let them come, so he took a deep breath. "He won't say shit if you walk in with me."

Tara snorted, "Sorry, we don't party with bikers or those 'Crow-eaters' in training."

But Missy's eyes lit up, "Like an actual party?" She turned to Tara, "C'mon, it could be fun."

Tara shook her head, "No. Mike and Jason would shit themselves."

Jax felt himself rolling his eyes, Jason Neilson and Mike Strager ran around with the _upstanding_ citizens of Charming, like Daniel Hale.

"Well, I don't give a shit what Jason says. You can take the Camaro home after you drop me off."

Jax smiled, putting an arm around Missy and heading toward the bike. Even if Tara _was_ prettier, he was fairly sure he could get Missy to come home with him, and then he could brag that he banged the captain of the cheerleading squad under the quarterback's nose. He smiled at the challenge, "You can ride with me, darlin'."

Tara put her hand on his shoulder, pulling the two of them back. "Excuse me; I'm not letting you go by yourself. God only knows what could happen to you around those people."

"_Those people_?" Jax snorted.

"Yeah," Tara said. "The last thing I want is her getting her ass kicked because she gets drunk."

Jax smiled – mission accomplished. "Follow me to Opie's."

A few minutes later, Jax pointed Missy to where she could park her Camaro out of the way, and Jax pulled into the driveway, the bass already pumping through his body. He smiled – Opie knew how to throw a damn party.

The girls caught up to him and Jax smiled, "Now, if you wanna be here without questions, act like you own the place." He gave each girl a bottle of whiskey and threw an arm around each shoulder.

Tara shied away from him but left his arm on her shoulder, but Missy put an arm around his waist, eager to get into the party.

To say that it was raging was an understatement. Jax wasn't sure that he had ever seen a Winston party get this out of control. There were a few people he recognized, like Olivia and Marcie, but even more that he didn't.

"JACKSON FUCKINGTELLER! Where the fuck have you been?" Opie bellowed. He was completely shit-faced hammered, and it wasn't even ten.

"I brought friends, Ope!"

"The more the merrier!" he slurred back, winking at Missy.

Opie hugged him and moved to the side, giving Jax a full view of Olivia and Marcie – neither looked happy.

"Opie, how many people are here?" Missy asked.

He smiled at Missy, "Hey, I know you. Let's take some shots." He winked at Jax and took the bottle from Missy before taking her hand and leading her to the kitchen, leaving Jax with his arm around Tara, and Marcie staring a hole through his chest. He smiled at the way he had worked out, his arm around Tara, who was easily the prettiest girl in the room.

"I feel overdressed," Tara said, looking at Marcie. For the first time, Jax noticed what each girl had on.

Tara was wearing modest short shorts and a nice looking tanktop, Missy was wearing a skirt and a lower cut v-neck teeshirt. Both girls looked nice, and could've easily been going to school as to a party. Marcie was wearing a halter top that barely covered her tits and left her midriff exposed, paired with shorts that barely covered her ass. Olivia was even worse.

Any other night, Jax would've sat between them, doing his best to take one of them home simply because of how they were dressed. But tonight, for the first time in his life, Jax was ashamed of the girls he hung out with.

Jax chuckled, leaning in to her ear so he could be heard, "Trust me when I say you look nicer." Marcie's look got even more intense and for a second Jax thought she might cross the room and say something to Tara. "Wanna go outside?"

Tara nodded, "Anything to get away from this." She turned toward the door to leave, but Jax grabbed her wrist, leading her up the stairs.

Jax, knowing his way through the Winston house, made his way up the stairs and to Piney's room as if it were his own. He opened the window on the right side that led out to the roof and climbed out, helping Tara behind him. When Jax shut the window, it was surprisingly quiet, the bass and rap music slightly muted.

"It's nice to be able to hear myself think," Tara commented as Jax opened the bottle of liquor.

Jax nodded, a little unsure of what to say. With girls like Marcie, Olivia, even girls that hung around the clubhouse, the conversation flowed smoothly, because Jax knew exactly what to say and where to put his hands to make girls like that want him.

But Tara… she was different.

She was smarter than nearly everyone in their class, kind, sweet, and…beautiful. He knew that none of his bullshit pickup lines would fly with her. Jax was almost stunned by how truly beautiful Tara Knowles was. He wondered how he hadn't seen that before.

"Do you drink?" Jax asked, offering the bottle.

Tara shook her head. "Dad's an alcoholic, so I tend to shy away from it."

Jax wanted to punch himself. He knew Tara's father, he shouldn't have asked. The silence was heavy, and Jax was eager to say or do something.

"So what do you want to do after high school?" Jax asked.

Tara's face lit up, she started talking about moving out of Charming and going to college so she could be a doctor. Jax felt himself smiling along with her as she got more and more animated. When she finally outlined her life, she smiled at Jax, "What about you?"

Jax smiled and looked down, what was there to tell? He planned on being a prospect, joining the Sons of Anarchy, and eventually becoming President of the club.

"SAMCRO is my future."

Tara narrowed her eyes at him, "You never wanted anything else?"

Jax shook his head, "Never have. Since I was five years old all I wanted was a cut and a bike. SAMCRO is all I've thought about since."

"The Sons are…barbaric. You're better than that, Jax."

"How would you know?"

Tara smirked, "I have classes with you, and Opie. You're both a lot smarter than you let on – you especially."

Jax shrugged, "I guess."

"See?" Tara asked. "There you go again. I see the way you are in class, you're really smart, you just act stupid and wear leather so you can fit in."

Jax turned to face her, stunned. No one had ever spoken to him that way, except his mom when he was in trouble. But before he could say anything else, the window flew open and Jax recognized Macie. "Jax! Come quick! It's Opie!"

"Jesus Christ." Jax stood up, grabbing Tara's hand and helping her inside the window. He ran down the steps to find Opie swinging on Jason, with Missy standing on the couch, held back by Olivia.

"Ope! What the fuck, man!"

He turned around and Jax could see the makings of a black eye.

"This motherfucker came in and saw Missy with me. And couldn't fucking handle it," Opie taunted.

Jax rolled his eyes, "Jesus Christ, man. So you're going to fight him, in your own home, with all these girls around? Take it outside, shit. Clear all these girls out."

"Party's over, motherfuckers!" Opie yelled out, taking another shot. Jax shook his head, this was going to be a short fight.

He cleared everyone out, especially Tara. For some reason, he wanted Tara far, far away from whatever was going down with Opie. He wanted to protect her from that.

He walked outside, whispering in Tara's ear that he'd take her home before anything happened. She nodded, and walked right into Mike.

"What the hell are you doing here, Tara?"

Tara looked at him, then to Jax. "I just came to a party, Mike."

He reared back, slapping her hard across the face, "Like hell you did. I told you to stay away from these motherfuckers."

But to Jax's surprise, Tara didn't back down. She raised her face closer to Mike, "Hit me like that…_one, more, time_."

Mike smiled, "Do you really wanna play this game with all these people watching, Tara?"

She smiled, inching closer, "Hit me again. It'll be the worst decision you make."

He smirked and raised his hand again, only to be caught midswing by Jax. "You don't wanna do that, man."

"Oh yeah? I can treat my girlfriend however the fuck I want."

Jax smiled, "Tara, why don't you go wait in the house with Missy and Olivia. They won't let anything happen to you."

"I can take care of myself," Tara said, still staring down Mike.

"Do what you're fucking told, slut," Marcie called from the front door of the house. Jax rolled his eyes. Liquor made some of the smartest girls act so damn stupid.

Tara turned on her heel and marched back to the house, "Don't call me a slut."

He saw Marcie inch closer to Tara's face, "What the hell are you going to do?"

Tara reared back and put her fist on Marcie's nose. Jax could hear the crunch and felt oddly proud of this girl for standing up for herself on both ends. And then… pain. He turned and saw Mike, with a confident look on his face.

_Motherfucker just used the cat fight to cheapshot me,_ Jax thought. Jax grabbed his cap and turned it backward.

The fight was fuckin' on.

–

The job went without a hitch, but Jax didn't feel fully focused until they came back to the clubhouse. A few deaths, shallow graves, and drinks all around. He took a few shots, trying to find the edge to her memory. She had been gone for years, to chase her dreams. The last Jax heard, she was in Chicago, working for a hospital. _She finally got the hell out of Charming_, Jax thought to himself, taking another shot.

The door opened to the screams and shouts of old ladies and Crow-Eaters. Gemma kissed his cheek and walked over to Clay. And Jax was surprised to feel five month pregnant Donna's hand on his shoulder. He smiled at her, really glad that she and Opie had worked it out. Their rushed marriage after Ellie's birth had been hard on the two of them, being so young.

But once Donna found Opie, Jax found himself rolling his eyes, knowing Wendy would be making a beeline for him soon. She never could tell when he just wanted to be left the hell alone.

"Jax, baby! I'm so glad everything went okay!" Wendy said, kissing his cheek.

Jax cut his eyes at Opie, who just shook his head.

He put on his best smile, "Yeah, darlin'. I'm so glad to be back with you."


	2. Chapter 2

A/N: this was part of my rewrite too! make sure you read because I changed around ALOT of stuff!

* * *

Wendy brought the washcloth back to Jax's ribcage. One of the Mayan bastards clipped him in the fight and the ring had cut through and left Jax bleeding.

"Are you sure you're going to be okay?" Wendy asked.

"Yep," Jax shrugged. "It's not the first time I've been hit, babe."

Wendy nodded, covering the washcloth in peroxide, "You probably need stitches."

Jax just nodded and let Wendy work on cleaning the cut. He started to nod off in the middle, thinking about what he was doing at this time, exactly five years ago.

–

Jax lifted Tara up to the bathroom counter of Opie's bathroom. Her face was sporting a busted lip and her hands were so bloody Jax knew they needed to be taken care of. He reached behind him in the cabinet and grabbed an old washcloth, first cleaning her knuckles with peroxide, then washing the blood off her hands. She was silent; the only movement was flinching from the peroxide and alcohol.

"All done," Jax said, finishing the last band-aid.

She took the washcloth from him and dipped it in peroxide. "Your turn."

Jax retreated, sitting on the closed toilet lid and taking off his hat. He knew that Mike's cheap shot and busted open his head because he could feel the blood run down his face. He tasted blood inside his mouth too, and he knew that Mike had busted his lip. Tara went to work cleaning the cuts on his face and knuckles.

He didn't move, but instead observed the way Tara worked. Her fingers were fast and sure, and Jax wondered how many times she had done something like this before. "You wanna be a doctor, huh?"

She smiled at him for the first time since he led her to the roof, "Yeah. Always have."

He smiled back at her, fingers wrapping around hers and staring into her eyes. "Well you've done a great job so far." The silence hung, but Jax didn't feel like breaking it. He just wanted to stare in her eyes.

"You…you really beat the crap out of Mike," Tara chuckled.

He grinned, "Couldn't let him treat you that way. But how about Marcie?"

The two had finally left, Mike with a broken nose and wrist, and Marcie with a black eye and several bruises.

Tara rolled her eyes, "I've wanted to do that for a very long time. She's always thinking she's better than me because she's almost a Crow-Eater or whatever."

Jax nodded – he knew the type. Somehow, girls in Charming felt as if that Crow-Eater tattoo made them important, special. But Jax also knew that unless a girl was an Old Lady of a member, she really didn't matter more than any other piece of ass.

"Well now that you're patched up, do you want me to take you home?"

Tara shrugged, "It's already three am, dad's not going to notice if I don't come home. He's probably already passed out." She turned to the bedroom, "Just like Opie."

They turned and stole a look out of the room, seeing Opie's large form curled around Missy in his bed. They looked at each other and giggled. Jax led the way down the hall to the Winston spare bedroom. Jax had spent so many nights there that it could have basically been his room as opposed to any other guest.

He turned down the bed and reached in the dresser for a pair of his shorts and a teeshirt that he kept at Opie's for emergencies. He handed them to Tara and pointed to the bed. "It's not the most comfortable in the world, but it's better than the floor."

She smiled, taking the clothes from him. Jax turned away from her so she could change. When she was done, he nodded to her and turned toward the door. "Where are you going to sleep?"

"The couch downstairs is comfortable," he replied.

Tara shook her head, "I can't allow that. I'm not even supposed to be here."

Jax nodded, "Sorry, can't let you take the couch."

Tara looked at her feet, feeling bad for taking advantage of Jax this way. "No… but you can stay here with me. I don't sleep well in houses I'm unfamiliar with."

Jax smiled and nodded, it was unreal how cute she looked in his clothes with her "battle scars" from the catfight.

Since Tara had taken his emergency clothes, Jax just stripped down to his boxers and socks and climbed between the sheets.

"Well, goodnight Jackson Teller," Tara said softly as she got between the blankets.

"Goodnight, Tara."

When Jax woke up the next morning, it took him a few seconds to remember what happened. Rain was driving hard against the window next to the bed, and clashes of thunder shook the bed. He rubbed his face, wincing with pain when he touched the cut on his forehead. The thunder clashed again and Tara jumped awake.

"Wha—where am I?" She said, panicking.

"Shh, shh," Jax said, bringing his arms around her. "You're at Ope's house, remember?"

He didn't know if it was the storm, the unfamiliarity of her surroundings, or if she just wanted him as well, but Tara allowed him to put his arms around her.

And Jax Teller, for the first time in his life, was afraid to breathe, afraid that it was a dream.

…

On Monday morning, Jax rose early and got ready for school, taking his mother off guard. Gemma was used to Jax stretching out time as long as he possibly could, in hopes of missing the school day. But on that particular day, he was excited, running around the house an hour earlier than normal. He didn't carry a backpack, just his leather jacket and his lunch that fit in the saddlebags of his bike. He kissed Gemma goodbye, said he'd see Clay later, and was out the door at 7:05 – 45 minutes earlier than normal without a word.

If Tara was surprised when Jax pulled into her drive way, she didn't show it. She came outside in faded jeans and a sweatshirt, carrying her backpack on one shoulder. She looked at her father's Cutlass, then to Jax. "What's the occasion?"

He smiled, "Thought you might need a ride. You mentioned your dad needing the car."

She narrowed her eyes at him, clearly surprised that he had remembered. After she had made it clear that she wasn't going to sleep with him, she had been sure that Jax Teller wouldn't speak to her after taking her home the next morning.

But to her surprise, he had held her all morning, taken her to breakfast, and kissed her cheek before she got off his bike.

And now he was picking her up for school? Jax knew it wouldn't make sense to her. Or to Opie. Or to anyone at school.

But here he was.

Tara didn't say anything. She just put her backpack on correctly and took the extra helmet Jax offered her before straddling the bike behind him.

Jax took the long way to school, remembering that he was going to stop by Opie's house as he did every day. He checked his watch and realized he was right on time. Sure enough, Opie was just coming out of the front door, still looking half-hungover. He did a double take when he saw Tara on the back of Jax's bike, but Jax knew that Tara wasn't the worst person he'd ever seen in that spot.

The three of them drove to school and Jax couldn't remember the last time he was so eager for school to be over so he could take her home again. Tara wasn't on the cheerleading squad like Missy, so she didn't have any reason to stay after school, which meant Jax could take her home.

When they pulled in the parking lot, all Jax could see were wide eyes and open mouths. He supposed everyone in the school had heard what happened to Mike and Jason and what Tara had done to Marcie. As they got off their bikes, he laughed when he saw Mike and Jason's faces, looking worse than his and Opie's. He thought he heard Tara chuckle when Marcie threw her a dirty look, but he couldn't be sure.

It was a little odd, the outlaw and the good girl, but he figured it was just like every good love story that had ever been told. For some reason, Jax just wanted to stay there, with Tara's fingers interlaced with his, for the whole school to see. He kissed her before going to class and he thought he saw her blush.

At lunch, Opie eyed Missy. "Are you sure I didn't bang her?"

Jax nodded, "You were too far gone, man."

"What a shame. She'll probably never go out with me again after I beat the shit out of her boyfriend."

"Yeah," Jax laughed. "But that dick needed it."

Opie dove into his ham sandwich, "What happened with you and Tara? Whole school's talking about it, brother."

Jax shrugged, "We just slept in your guest bedroom. And I picked her up this morning."

Opie cocked an eyebrow at him, "You sure are putting in a lot of work for this one."

"Something's different, man," Jax said, taking a sip of his Coke. "She's not just some Crow-Eater. Her dreams are a lot bigger than being a SAMCRO groupie. In fact, I'm not even sure she knows about us."

Their parentage had been more of a trouble for Jax and Opie than anything. Their fathers were both First 9, the founding fathers of SAMCRO. Nearly everyone in Charming knew that, and they treated Opie and Jax with a reverence that was more fear than respect. Even the girls who chased them, it was only because they knew Jax and Opie were the future leaders of SAMCRO.

"You serious about it?"

Jax shrugged, "I like spending time with her."

–

Jax quietly shut the bedroom door behind him, trying his hardest not to wake Wendy. He walked into the living room and saw Opie sound asleep on the couch, sitting straight up. There were dark, dark circles under his eyes – the evidence of several sleepless nights with a new baby at home.

Jax shook his head – he was definitely not ready for any of that. Kenny was a beautiful baby, almost as beautiful as Ellie had been, but Jax was just a kid himself, he hadn't matured like Ope had. He could be a godfather, but a regular father? He was only 24, he wasn't ready for that.

He went to the kitchen to pour himself some coffee, wondering if he would be ready for kids now if Tara hadn't left. He supposed he would be, but that was a different lifetime, a different universe from what he was dealing with now.

He took another drink of his coffee. Seemed like it had been a different lifetime that he and Opie had finished the house and threw the housewarming party, but it had only been a month ago.

The house had been a straight steal, a favor for the club from a real estate agent that got caught dealing drugs. But it had also been a giant piece of shit, and it had taken Opie, Jax, and all their friends helping, nearly six months to completely remodel the house. As Jax looked around, he realized it had been completely worth it.

And when they finished, they threw one hell of a party.

Every member of the club, old ladies, Crow-Eaters, all of them had come. He had met Wendy Case that night.

She had been new in town and caught Jax's attention right away. She was hot, blonde, and could hold her liquor. He had stayed close to her all night, poured shot after shot, and made sure that she really felt included, being new to the circle. Donna even liked her.

After the party was over, Wendy stayed in Jax's bed, and he remembered having the best sex he'd had since… well, in a long time. And in the morning, Jax woke to the smell of freshly cooked breakfast and Wendy in his teeshirt.

Since then, Wendy had taken to sleeping over at his house every night, and for some reason Jax couldn't find it in himself to tell her to leave. The sex was good and the bed got cold if he were by himself, he reasoned. And it was a nice change of pace from chasing girls all over California and leaving early the next morning. He had been tired of the constant disconnection of one night stands and random hookups. It wasn't the same as it had been with Tara – nothing ever would be – but it was nice to go home without trying to find some hot blonde to fill his bed.

He heard the bedroom door open, and he prayed Wendy had the good sense to shut the fuck up and let Opie sleep. She had baby sat Kenny and Ellie a few times before (which had given her baby fever), and she knew how tired Donna and Opie must be.

Thankfully, she was quiet and came into the kitchen, fully dressed. She eyed Jax in just his sweatpants and socks and smiled. "I see you have an exciting morning in front of you," she said, pointing to where Opie was sleeping on the couch.

"Probably, Clay wants us there early to discuss some job," he said. "What're you all dressed up for? Ain't it a little early?"

She nodded, "I have some shopping I've been wanting to do. Is that okay?"

"Yeah, that's fine. What're you looking for?"

"Just some more stuff for the bedrooms, picture frames and such."

She kissed him and turned to walk out the door. Jax took a drag off his cigarette and felt bad. He was so nonchalant toward Wendy and he knew that she truly loved him.

"Wendy, wait." She stopped with the door opened as he walked into the bedroom to get his wallet. He dug out a couple hundred dollars and handed it to her, kissing her deeply on the mouth, "Buy somethin' pretty for yourself, darlin'."

She smiled, "Are you going to be late tonight?"

Jax nodded, "Probably should head over to Mom's after your shopping. I think Donna's gonna be waiting there with the kids and Piney tonight too."

"Okay, that would be nice. Be careful, Jax." Wendy walked outside, closing the door behind her.

Jax shook his head. He couldn't decide if he _liked_ the fact that Wendy never asked questions or not. Tara _always_ had asked questions, and Jax had liked that she wanted to be included. But Wendy... it was almost like she didn't care.

He looked at the clock, deciding it was too late to let Opie sleep any longer. He shook his best friend's shoulder.

"Huh?" Opie said, wiping his face, "I'm awake, Jax."

"Mornin' sunshine," Jax chuckled.

"I'm sorry, man. Used the spare key."

"You and Donna get into something?" he handed Opie a cigarette. Opie had made it a habit to come to Jax's when things got bad between him and Donna.

Opie nodded, "The baby's colic, so neither of us get very much sleep and we end up fighting about stupid shit."

"She doesn't want you to go tonight, does she?"

Opie was silent. "Thinks it's too dangerous now that I have kids."

Jax nodded, sipping his coffee, "Well, it is. I don't think I'd volunteer if I had kids. That's probably why I don't and never will."

"Sometimes those things just happen, brother." Kenny and Ellie weren't planned, Ellie coming during his senior year of high school, he hadn't been ready either. "If you're in love, things like that just happen, and you handle it."

"That's the problem though."

"Wendy's been staying here most nights, right?"

Jax took a drag off his cigarette. "Since the housewarming party. Wendy's not Donna though, she doesn't ask any questions. She's just happy waiting in that clubhouse with the title of Old Lady."

"Is that where she thinks this is headed?" Opie asked.

"What the hell do I know?"

"Nobody ever said it was easy. Hell I was sure that Donna and I were going to go under after Ellie was born. Our prospect days," Opie laughed.

Jax remembered it well. Opie and Donna were married, pregnant, and broke. He distinctly remembered Clay giving Opie the lead on a lot of jobs he didn't deserve, simply because everyone knew Opie needed the money to feed his kid. That was something Jax loved about the Sons – they were a family, first and foremost. Opie had been too proud to ask for money, and Clay knew that, but he let him earn it.

"I think it's time for work, brother," Jax chuckled.


	3. Chapter 3

"This is not going to be an easy job," Clay continued. "Kyle, you've got to have the truck waiting. Got me?"

Kyle nodded down the table, looking at Opie, "We got this, boss."

Jax had to fight his grimace from the VP chair. It wasn't that he didn't trust Kyle, but he didn't feel right about not having Opie's back. They were best friends, they had been prospects together, raised together, everything. It felt wrong letting someone else guard Ope's back, but Jax knew there was no point in arguing it with Clay.

"This job will only go down if everyone does their part. Jax, you, Bobby, Chibs, Tig, me, Hap, and Juice are going to be the distraction while Ope and Kyle set the boom. Once the explosion happens, everyone, and I mean _everyone_ bails. Ope can't set the boom without the distraction, and the explosion will give the rest of us enough time to leave before the cops show. Piney, you stay with the girls, just in case anything goes wrong. Any questions?

When no one spoke, Clay banged the gavel, meeting adjourned. SAMCRO rose from the table, but Jax called out to Opie.

"Gonna be a hell of a time tonight, huh, Ope?"

Opie nodded, "When we pull this job, man… I think I might buy Donna an actual engagement ring instead of using my mom's."

Jax forced a smile, patting his best friend on the back, "Hell, I might buy her one too. Be careful tonight, man. Be sure to look over Kyle's back and your own."

"I got this, brother," Opie said. "I'll be okay. Just don't get the shit beat out of you."

The boys headed out to the vehicles and bikes. The distraction team wore their cuts and sat tall on their bikes. He felt nervous without his gun or knife, but the distraction team wasn't going to need any weapons. Kyle drove the grey Silverado with Opie, plain clothes, ski masks, and all the equipment stored in the truck bed. Jax nodded to Kyle before taking off in opposite directions.

The Mayan warehouse was three miles north of TM, while their "meet" with the Grim Bastards was set a mile south. It was Clay's idea to get in a "clean rumble" with the Bastards, setting a distraction and having the law called. When they arrived, Opie would blow the warehouse, and seeing that there was no crime on Jax and Clay's end, the law would have to investigate, giving both sides enough time to bail.

It didn't take long for SAMCRO to get to the arranged meeting spot – it would take longer for Opie and Kyle to get to the warehouse. They had done this on purpose, giving SAMCRO and the Grim Bastards a chance to catch up for a few minutes. When Jax pulled up to the empty field, he saw the GBMC waiting for them, and smiles and hugs went all around.

"Aren't you a little short?" one asked Clay.

He shook his head, "Taking care of some business, friend. The less you know, the better."

The president just smiled and nodded. That was one thing Jax knew that Clay liked about the Bastards. They were always willing to help their friends out and they never asked a question.

Jax checked his watch, 8:04 pm. The rumble was set to start at 8:05, and Opie would start making the necessary preparations to blow the warehouse.

Jax checked his beanie and took off his cut, not wanting to get any blood on it, "It's time," he yelled. "Let's get it on, boys."

…

"There's been no crime here, officer," Jax said, wiping the blood from his nose.

He looked around to his club. Clay was holding his bloody hands, sporting a nice cut above his left eye. Tig was wiping the blood off his rings, spitting blood from his mouth as he went. Bobby and Chibs both looked relatively unscathed, but Jax knew that would probably change in the next day when bruises started to form. Juice had blood running down from his nose to his mouth and into his shirt, but was still smiling as he cleaned himself up. Happy looked a little creepy, but Jax knew that was why they'd called him – the man _lived_ for blood.

The burly Lodi sheriff took out a notepad and started writing, eyeing the black eyes and busted lips, "Looks to me like somethin' went down tonight, boys."

The Grim Bastards President stepped forward, looking no worse for the wear himself, "C'mon Lloyd. Just settling some club beefs, okay? No one brought weapons and it was clean fight."

Lloyd the sheriff narrowed his eyes at the men around him. "What club is this?" he asked, pointing to the unfamiliar faces of the Sons.

"Doesn't matter. We had a beef, and now it's settled," Clay answered.

_BOOM_, every eye turned toward the north, seeing what they knew to be the Mayan warehouse go up in flames. Jax chuckled; Opie had brought the boom, alright.

"And it looks like you have some unfinished work you need to get to, boys," Clay said. "We better let you get to it." He turned to the row of bikes to his left and reached for his helmet, watching the police take off, lights and sirens blaring, toward the depleted warehouse. "Let's head back to the clubhouse, get the story from Ope and make sure the job's finished."

Jax nodded, shrugging on his cut and turned to the GBMC, waving and smiling his thank you. His bike roared to life and he headed north toward TM, following Clay and the rest of SAMCRO following him. As they drove the highway, Jax felt himself becoming more and more uneasy. He attributed it to travelling without his gun and knife, but the feeling was more of dread than of being unprotected. He focused on the road, he knew he would feel better after he talked to Ope.

When they reached the clubhouse, the Silverado was parked away from the view of the road, just as planned. Clay smiled as he parked his bike and pulled a cigar from his pocket, heading toward the clubhouse to gather the club around the table to discuss what happened. He was slightly worried about the repercussions of this hit, but he figured they would handle whatever the Mayans did to retaliate.

But when he opened the door, Opie wasn't there to explain what happened. Kyle was sitting at the bar, nursing a beer, eyes red as if he had been crying. Jax crossed the room instantly, looking from the chapel to the bar, and backing down the hallway that led to the apartment.

He called for Opie, again and again, to no avail. He came back to the bar and put his hands on Kyle's collar. "_Where's Opie?!"_ he thundered, again and again when Kyle didn't answer.

"We—we heard the sirens of the cops coming to get you guys and—and i—I panicked," he confessed.

Clay threw a chair behind Jax, and he could hear the other members of the club swearing and yelling.

"Where, the fuck, is Opie?" Jax said.

The door to the clubhouse opened behind him, and Jax turned his head to see Piney, Gemma, Wendy, Donna, the babies, and several other women looking in on the scene. Jax released Kyle's collar, knowing the bastard's wife was watching.

But the exposure of the women only seemed to make Kyle more ashamed. He hung his head, "I don't know. I took the truck and left before the warehouse blew. After the explosion, I turned around, but Ope—Opie was… he was…"

"Did they arrest him?" Bobby asked. But his only answer was silence.

"You son of a bitch! You left him!"

"You left a member out to dry! My _son_!" Piney yelled. "Opie's got a family. He's _my family_! You… you… you _BASTARD_." He screamed, walking toward Kyle and shaking his fists, "They'll put him away! What have you done!"

Jax couldn't handle it anymore. His best friend would be in jail because of this son of a bitch.

He gritted his teeth and reared back.

This asshole deserved so much worse.

He let his fist fly, feeling satisfied when it connected with Kyle's nose and made a crunching sound. Kyle fell to the floor and Jax spat on him. He turned around to see Wendy holding Donna with her babies, and Gemma holding them both.

All three women were crying, but Jax didn't feel like comforting anyone. He felt like bringing pain.

The risk was part of the life, Jax knew that. Each of them had been arrested (more than once) for petty crimes and all of them had spent more than a few nights in jail.

He walked to the door of the clubhouse, hearing the other members talking about Opie, that he was in county lock up, if he'd make bail, how soon he'd be home. Jax felt a little pride that Opie giving up the club was never brought up. Everyone knew he wouldn't do that.

He felt Wendy's hands on him, but he strode past her, he didn't want to be around anyone. He hoped she understood that.

Jax walked to his bike, feeling a pang in his stomach when he passed Opie's. He made a mental note to let Opie know he'd take care of it while Opie was gone. He straddled his bike, put on his helmet and glasses, and sped off, far away from Teller Morrow, and far away from SAMCRO.

He let the road take him and didn't realize where he was headed until he got there. He saw the familiar lights of Hanna's Diner. He closed his eyes, letting himself go to another place, another time.

–

"You nervous?"

Jax shook his head, "Nah, man. All we gotta do is beat up some thugs – shit that we've been doing for years."

Opie smiled. He would never say so, but Jax could tell that he was nervous. They had just made the decision to become prospects, dropping out of high school and into the SAMCRO world. It had been less than a week since Clay had held out their Prospect cuts, and Jax had never felt more sure of his life.

He strapped on the bulletproof vest and his gun holsters, saving his tee shirt and cut for last. It wouldn't feel as good as the one he would get when he was patched in, but it would do for now.

They walked out of the apartment and into the Chapel, one place prospects were almost never allowed to go.

"Okay boys, here's what we know," Bobby said. "Hanna's Diner was robbed and she trusts us enough to handle it."

"I had a sit down with Alvarez yesterday, and he assures me that it's these thugs who did it and it had nothing to do with the Mayan-SOA beef," Clay explained. "So basically, we scare them. Jax, Ope, the club voted and this is your mission. You go in, scare them, let them know it was from us. Understand?"

Both boys nodded.

Bobby rose from the table, van keys in his hands. "Let's get it on then."

Hours later, Bobby pointed to three figures come out of a house. Alvarez had given them the address of this "clubhouse" and Jax had decided they would stake it out until they were sure they had the right guys.

"Is that them?" Opie asked.

Jax nodded, "I think that matches Hanna's description." He turned to Bobby, smile etched on his face.

"Have at it, boys."

As the van door swung open, the three thugs whipped their heads around, but it was too late to run. Jax, with no weapon in his hand, and in shape 16 year old body, caught up with the boys, smashing the biggest one to the ground.

But as he raised his fist, the other two caught up to him. _Jesus, Ope_, Jax thought. They tackled Jax, trying to wrestle him to the ground and off their friend when Opie caught up.

"One more move and you're dead," Opie said. One had a fist raised to hit Jax, but he paused, and Jax knew that Opie must have a gun in his face. He straightened up and stood, the other two following.

"Uh-uh, big boy," Jax said, pointing to the one he had originally tackled. Ope nodded to Jax, who turned on the thug. Jax smiled, raising his fist.

He punched the boy, again and again, feeling satisfied when he could see blood and when he heard his hand crunch into the face of the boy. He had never hit someone so hard or for so long in his life. He thought of all the times he'd ever been truly angry, using it as his fuel to turn the boy's face into the likeness of a splattered tomato. When he finished, he stood, spitting on the boy's face.

He turned to the other two thugs. "That was courtesy of SAMCRO. Next time you think about stepping foot inside Charming, think again."

"Get out of here," Opie commanded, gun still raised.

The two boys grabbed their unconscious friend and headed down the street, away from the SAMCRO prospects.

–

Jax smiled. Their first mission had gone smoothly and it had gained them respect. People talked, and soon everyone knew what Opie and Jax had done. They had been barely sixteen years old, and were already as respected as some of the actual Sons. Hanna had even given them free food for a month to thank them for what they'd done.

He frowned, remembering that Tara was the only one not impressed. It was the first and last time he told her what went on in SAMCRO. He wasn't ashamed of the life, but Tara had always made him feel like being in SAMCRO wasn't living up to his potential. And even years later, he still felt the sting of her leaving.

And for all these years, Opie had his back. Opie going to prison…everything was going to change. Jax didn't like the feeling, but he knew that it was coming. Opie wouldn't be doing a 14 month or even 24 month stretch. They would send him to Chino, to the pen, and he would stay there for a long time.

Jax knew that hard time could really change a man, but he didn't know if it would change Opie for the better or not.

He knew exactly what it would do to Donna – she'd fall apart. She had always questioned the life that Opie and Jax led. She didn't really know what it meant to be a second-generation Son, but she had never tried to lead Opie away from the club. She knew that he would do whatever he wanted to do and she couldn't stop him – even though she wanted to. Jax knew that she would use this prison time to try to get Opie away from the life.

And what would he do without Opie to watch his back as he had for 24 years?

The feeling of dread came back.

He knew he should go home, but he didn't feel like comforting Wendy. She was new to SAMCRO and hadn't fully grasped the risk that Jax went through by being a member. This arrest and Opie's sentencing would shed a new light on the situation for her.

His bike roared to life beneath him as he turned around and cruised to the familiar house. He didn't know if Donna would even be there, but Jax felt a pull for some reason. He hadn't felt this bad since Tara left, and Opie's house had held comfort for him then – he was sure it would comfort him now.

It took less than three minutes to pull into the driveway and Jax exhaled deeply. The kitchen light was the only one on, and Jax knew Donna must be sitting there. He didn't even bother knocking, just opened the back door and walked right into the kitchen, seeing Donna go to pieces at the table.

He didn't know what to say, he didn't know if he even needed to say anything, but for some reason, he took a knee beside the kitchen chair and just held Donna while she cried. He had never been close to her, but Jax felt himself go to pieces in a way he hadn't since Tara left. He almost laughed through the tears, because several years earlier, Opie had held him in this very spot, while he cried the whole night over losing her.

Yet here he sat, crying again with Opie's wife, because he knew that their feelings were the same.

_What were they going to do without Opie?_


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: okay, everything that needed to be rewritten has been done, so here we are, back on track :)

* * *

Jax didn't know how long it was before they finally stopped crying, or how long it was before Donna sat up straight, letting him know that she didn't need his embrace anymore. He got off the floor and sat in a chair as Donna busied herself making coffee.

When she handed him a cup, he took it and sipped it slowly, letting it burn his tongue. When she sat down, he looked at her, eyes swollen, cheeks red and blotchy. He knew his face looked about the same.

"When can he make bail?"

She shrugged, "I don't know that I can afford bail, Jax."

He nodded, "Club will take care of that – I'll make sure of it."

"The club?" she sneered. "Club got him into this mess. Now he's going to do time and i—I just…"

He reached across the table to her hand, holding it gently as she fell apart again.

"What am I going to do, Jax? Take care of two kids, this house, all the bills alone? I don't know if I can," she sobbed.

"Hey, hey," Jax said, wiping the tears from her eyes and lifting her face so she could see him. "Do you know why Opie married you?"

Donna shook her head.

"You know, I actually asked him why on the day of your wedding. I said to him, 'Ope, she's not about the life, dude. Why marry _her_ of all people?' And do you know what he said to me, Donna? He said, 'I don't care what life she's about, as long as she's about me. She's the type guys like us need, man. She'll always stay by my side.'"

Donna started to cry harder, but Jax kept going.

"And all this time, through the babies, the stress, the club, he has always chosen you because you are _strong_. You're his old lady, whether you wanna be or not – comes with the territory of loving a patched man. But now, you have got to be strong for him, for those kids, and for all the old ladies looking at you. If you aren't strong, how can they be?"

"I don't know that I can," Donna said softly.

Jax nodded, "Ya know, Luanne didn't think she could do it either. But how many years has Big Otto been away? Look what she's done with herself. Started a successful business, goes to see him every chance she gets, and she remains faithful. She handled her shit. That's what Ope needs right now. To know that you can handle things."

Donna nodded, "I think I can do that."

"Club will help you, _I'll_ help you. Anything you need, want, whatever. All you have to do is ask, Donna. Opie is a brother to me, and that makes you my sister."

She just nodded, "Thank you, Jax." She looked at the clock, it was showing 6 am. "I'm sorry, I've got to get the kids ready for school. Do you think…?"

He nodded, "Either mom or Wendy will pick them up if you need them to. Just call me." He kissed the top of her head and walked out the back door.

He smiled as he drove home – Donna would be strong enough to handle it while Ope was in prison, and that's all he really needed to know. As long as the kids were cared for and Donna didn't go to pieces every day, things would be fine.

But as he always did when things were bad, he longed for Tara. She had been gone for four years, taking off when she graduated high school and never looking back. Six years since he met her, four that she'd been gone.

Had it really been that long ago?

Jax didn't want to come to terms with it, but yes, it had been that long.

And yet, it felt like yesterday.

–

He walked into the high school with Opie, completely confident. He had decided not to take Tara to school today – they had argued over this decision to no avail. He was dropping out and becoming a Sons of Anarchy Prospect. And no matter how hard Tara pleaded with him, there was nothing she could do about it.

When Donna found out that Opie could get a job at TM _and_ whatever jobs SOA did, she was happy. They had a baby at home and a house payment due. Tara had been less excited.

They walked straight to the counselor's office and told her what they were doing. If anything, she looked relieved that she didn't have to deal with them anymore. Jax felt bad, he and Opie had fought enough fights in these halls to make this woman's life a nightmare. But she knew what would eventually happen. Everyone did. They knew that the son of Piney Winston and the son of John Teller were destined to do only one thing in Charming: become Sons. Everything else was just a blurry detail.

Checking the time, Jax knew that the final bell was only minutes away, so he said goodbye to Opie and headed for Tara's locker. He didn't like fighting with her.

The bell rang and the classrooms sprang loose students eager to get home. It was a beautiful day, and Jax couldn't imagine spending another pretty North Californian day in the classrooms of Charming High.

When Tara saw him, he noticed she couldn't hide the look of disgust on her face – she knew what he had done. But instead of saying anything, she unlocked her locker, put the books she would need in her bag, and locked it back.

"Aren't you going to say hi?" Jax asked her.

"No. I'm still angry."

Jax rolled his eyes, "Tara. This has been predetermined since Opie and I were babies so I don't know why you're—"

"You never wanted anything different? You could be so much more than president of a motorcycle club."

Jax rolled his eyes, "I probably could be an astronaut if I wanted Tara. But that's the thing: I don't want to. I want to be in SAMCRO. Now you can either get with that, or don't. I'm not fighting with you over it every single day that I put on my cut."

Tara sighed. "So those are my options? Get with it or get out?"

He nodded.

"What if I wanna drop out too? Can I just be a Crow-Eater forever?"

Jax narrowed his eyes, "I know what you're doing, Tara. And it's not going to work. You've always wanted to be a doctor, and that's what you're going to do. It's something you _can_ do. I can't be a neurosurgeon. Yeah, I'm book smart. I know how to read Shakespeare. But I'm even more street smart, and that's not goin' to help me anywhere but SAMCRO."

"So I'm destined for better things, and you're not?"

He shook his head, wrapping his arms around her waist, provoking her smile. "No, I am too. But you're not just a Crow-Eater, Tara."

She looked in his eyes and smiled, "Then what am I?"

Jax chuckled, "When I'm patched in, you're going to be my old lady."

Tara shook her head, "That's where you're wrong, Teller. I'm not going to be your old lady, you're going to be my old man."

He put his arm around her shoulders and walked her out to his bike. Even if Tara didn't agree with what he was doing, she would support him, and that was enough. They saw Opie on his bike, talking to Missy.

"I thought she didn't like him?" Jax said to Tara.

Tara shrugged, "He stood up to Jason, something she's wanted to do for years. Maybe it'll work out."

He straddled the bike and handed the extra helmet to her.

"Oh, shit," Tara said. "I forgot a book in my locker."

"I'll walk back in with you, babe. I never get tired of walking out of that place," Jax chuckled.

They walked into the school quickly, both eager to get home before their parents. They rounded the corner to the hallway that Tara's locker was in and ran smack into Daniel Hale.

"Sorry about that, Tara," he said. Then when realizing she wasn't alone, he eyed Jax. "Sorry, Teller."

Jax nodded, arm still around Tara.

Hale grimaced, "Tara, can I talk to you for a second?"

She huffed, "What about, Daniel?"

Jax stuck out his chest, "I think anything you need to say to her can be said to me, too."

"Fine," Daniel said. "Tara, what the hell are you doing with Teller? Don't you know what he did today?"

Tara stiffened beneath Jax's arm. "Yes, I do."

"Then what are you doing?! He doesn't have a future, Tara. _You do_. And you should probably pay attention to it."

Jax opened his mouth, but Tara spoke first.

"I _am_ paying attention to my future, Daniel. Just because I don't pine away for you and plan on taking online classes doesn't mean I'm not paying attention. And what I do, and who I'm with, is none of your business."

"He's going to ruin you, Tara. And I care about you," he reached out his hand, grabbing Tara's wrist.

"Watch yourself, Hale," Jax growled.

Tara turned to him, "I got this babe." She turned back to Hale, "I know how you feel about me, Daniel. And I'm sorry that I was never interested in you. You're a friend, a good friend. But stop worrying about my future and stop worrying about Jax."

She turned on her heel, pulling Jax with her. His arm settled across her shoulders again.

"He will ruin you if you don't get out, Tara!"

She stopped and turned around, "_Fuck you_!"

–

_5 years before SOA season 1…_

When Jax pulled in the driveway, he saw the front porch lights were the only ones on. Wendy's car was in the driveway. He parked his bike and slumped over the handlebars – it had been a long day.

Since they put Opie away, the cops had been trying to pin everything they could on SAMCRO. Jax, as VP, knew that there wasn't any hardcore evidence that could blow back on them, but it meant that all their jobs had to be careful. And "cautious" wasn't a term used to describe any of the guys in his club.

The current battle at the table was over striking a deal with the Niners. Laroy wanted Clay to terminate the deal with the Mayans, leaving them off the Irish pipeline.

He had offered to pay double.

Jax didn't like it, but he knew it was good for business – it would mean a huge payday. It meant less risk too, and since Opie was in Chino that was something a lot of the guys were concerned about.

He took off his helmet and got off the bike, walking into the front door. It was unusually clean and he noticed two suitcases sitting near the front door.

Suitcases? Was Wendy leaving him?

Jax felt his stomach drop. Wendy had been good to him – too good, he was starting to realize – and all she wanted was for him to love her too. Jax didn't know if he were capable of loving someone like that, and he had told her that many times. Although he never mentioned Tara's name anymore, he knew that Wendy was aware of the scars Tara had left on his heart.

He looked down the hall and saw that the light to the bedroom they shared was on, so he walked that way, praying that she was still there, that he could talk her out of leaving him. He didn't think he could handle being alone again.

He walked into the bedroom and saw Wendy sleeping on top of the comforter. He groaned – he had promised he would be home by 8, and saw that it was nearing 10:30. He sat next to her on the bed and gently woke her.

"Hey," she smiled, voice thick with sleep.

He didn't want to beat around the bush.

"What are those suitcases?"

Wendy sat up, putting an arm around his neck, "Let's get away this weekend."

"Huh?"

"Let's go away for the weekend. Let's go to Tahoe or Vegas or somewhere. Just ride."

Jax cocked his head at her, "You want to take a weekend vacation?"

Wendy nodded, "You've been so busy and working so hard. I thought maybe we could leave tonight, stay in a hotel."

"So you're…not…leaving me?"

Now it was Wendy's turn to be confused. "Leaving you?" she laughed, "Hell no, baby. I just thought you needed a getaway. I love you."

Jax smiled, "So you wanna go tonight?"

She grinned, happier than he'd seen her in weeks. He stood up from the bed, pulling Wendy with him.

"Then let's go, babe."

Hours later, Jax pulled his Harley into the parking lot of a moderately priced hotel. He had convinced Wendy to drop the suitcases, only packing enough to fit in a backpack and his saddle bags. She had argued, but he had convinced her that they wouldn't be needing their clothes too much.

They checked into the hotel and headed up the stairs to their room. Before stepping through the door, Jax pulled at Wendy's clothes, eager to have her at a new place. She put a hand on his chest, stopping him.

"I also got some of your favorite," she said, pulling a bottle of Jack D and a couple cans of Coca-Cola from the backpack.

Jax just smiled, running to the bathroom to find plastic cups.

…

Jax woke up groggy, sunlight pouring into the tiny hotel room. He looked over and saw it was nearing 7 am – he could never sleep in if he had drank the night before. Wendy was lying on his chest, and he was almost annoyed that he had let her talk him into this.

But then again, he had been terrified less than 12 hours ago at the thought of her leaving him. He knew he needed this weekend, he needed to relax. The club had almost become too much for him. He took a deep breath, seeing her hand on his chest.

He zeroed in on her left hand – had she always worn rings on that finger? He saw the familiar Crow-Eater tattoo that she had gotten as a surprise for his birthday, but he couldn't remember if she'd always worn the gold ring.

_Funny_, he thought. _That looks kind of like a wedding—_

He stopped, surely he hadn't… surely he hadn't drank that much.

He checked his own left hand, a golden band was around it too. He fought the urge to stand up, freak out.

Jackson Teller was _not_ ready for marriage. He had never been ready for marriage.

He gently rose up from Wendy's sleeping form. He put on his boxers and blue jeans, fishing through his cut for his cellphone, turning to make sure Wendy was still sleeping. He stepped out of the room, wishing now more than ever that Opie wasn't in prison. Opie had a wife, a family, children he hadn't been ready for, he would've been able to tell Jax what to do, how to handle it.

He rolled his eyes, how the fuck had Wendy talked him into eloping? He put his hand to the bridge of his nose, knowing that it probably hadn't been Wendy's fault.

Eloping was not the stupidest idea he'd ever had while intoxicated.

He was almost grateful that he hadn't done anything stupider.

He took a deep breath of the crisp morning air. It was beautiful. He looked at his cell phone again, he knew he would have to tell her eventually. And other than Opie, she was his best friend. He hit the button on his speed dial.

"Hello?"

"Mom, I need some help. I did…something I shouldn't have."

He could hear Gemma's exasperated sigh. "What the hell did you do now? Do I need to come get you?"

Jax sighed, looking at the ring on his hand.

"I—uh, I got married."


	5. Chapter 5

Chicago Presbyterian was slow today, and Tara was grateful. The long hours of her internship were hard on her body, and she spent many nights falling asleep on her feet in the shower. She walked back by the reception desk to see if she would be shadowing any surgeries today or making any rounds on patients. Kaylee, the desk girl, called out to her, "Tara! You have a delivery!"

Tara narrowed her eyes, but stopped by the girl's desk. On it was a dozen red roses and a card. Tara gasped, no one had ever sent her such beautiful flowers before.

"So who are they from?!" Kaylee cried. "Someone from California?"

Tara shook her head – she hadn't had contact with anyone from Charming for years. The only person she could think of sending them was the FBI agent she met at the coffee shop last week. He had been older, sweet, and bought her cappuccino after a long day at the hospital.

What was his name? Jake, Jason? Something like that.

She picked up the card and the inscription was written in plain, simple letters.

_Would love to have coffee again sometime.  
– Josh_

And his phone number.

She narrowed her eyes, how had he known where she worked? She couldn't remember if she had told him last week or not. Then again, he had said he worked for the FBI – and she had a record – so he probably could look up all her info.

Kaylee looked eager to see who they were from, so Tara giggled appropriately. "Just some guy I met at that coffee shop last week."

"Mary's? You mean that cute older guy who bought your coffee?"

Tara nodded, "He says he wants to see me again."

Kaylee grinned, "So call him already!"

"I don't even know that he's my type!"

"And what is your type, Miss Knowles? Boring surgeons and lawyers?"

Tara bit her lip. She hadn't told anyone from Chicago about why she really left Charming. "My type is not boring."

Kaylee cocked an eyebrow at her, "When have you ever dated anyone daring? In California?"

Tara smiled, not wanting to say anything.

"Oh, my, gosh. You _did_! Tell me everything about him!"

"He was in a motorcycle club. The Vice-President."

Kaylee put a hand over her heart in fake adoration. "Was he cute?"

Tara nodded, "He had that long-biker-style blonde hair, you know the type." It was weird talking about Jax to someone else.

Kaylee's eyebrows raised suggestively, "Was he good in the sack?"

Tara giggled again, "Of course he was. Why do you think I was with him for three years?"

For some reason, she felt a pang in her stomach as she laughed. She hadn't talked about or thought about Jax for a very long time. She had repressed his memory.

"So are you going to call this guy back?" Kaylee asked. "'Cause if you won't, I will."

…

Tara sat alone in her apartment that night with the card in one hand and her cell phone in the other.

While it was creepy that he had sent flowers to her work, it was…different. She hadn't ever dated anyone who did things like that. Jax's idea of a romantic date had been skinny dipping with a twelve pack and a night in jail.

She rolled her eyes. Jax had been on her mind all day and it was irritating to her. She hadn't been back in Charming for five years, and for five long years she had done her best to forget about Jackson Teller and the Sons of Anarchy.

Hell, she hadn't even talked to her dad since she told him she was moving to Chicago.

Maybe this guy, this Josh, was what she needed to put Jax's memory away for good. She set her jaw and dialed the number on the card.

It rang, and for each ring, Tara felt her pulse accelerate. How long had it been since she felt nervous about a man? Too long, she decided. It went to voicemail, so she kept it short and sweet before she rambled on like an idiot. "Hey, Josh. This is Tara. The flowers were beautiful, and I'd love to get coffee with you whenever you're free. Call me back soon."

She started to undress for the shower, hoping it would calm her down. She took off her scrubs and let her long hair out of its ponytail, pausing to look in the mirror.

With her scrubs on, she looked like a normal doctor, with a normal past. She looked like she had been a good person all her life, determined to stay on the straight and narrow path so she could save lives.

But with her scrubs off, her skin told a completely different story.

She had scars all over her from the many adventures she and Jax had shared as kids, running through the woods, motorcycle wrecks, etc. She still had the scar on her left hand from punching Marcie Anderson. She still rolled her eyes at that memory. She looked at her backside, seeing her rose tattoo on her shoulder. It had been her second tattoo and her favorite.

But as her eyes travelled down her back, she saw the other tattoo, her first one. It was simple, a crow with a heart on it, and it was one that many other women wore.

Tara hated it now.

She cut her eyes away and headed to the shower. She remembered the day she had gotten it.

–

"You sure you wanna do this, sweetheart?" Gemma asked her.

She rolled her eyes – it was the fifth time she had asked her that since she picked her up. Ever since she had asked what the tattoo on Gemma's chest meant, she had wanted one. She was, for all intents and purposes, Jax's girlfriend, and she wanted to be labeled as such. She wanted it to be a surprise for his birthday.

"Yes, I'm sure."

"It's a big deal – getting the Crow-Eater tat," Gemma said, pointing to her chest. "Means you're as much a part of the club as the boys are."

Tara smiled, reaching for the door handle of Gemma's SUV, "Forever a groupie."

Gemma put her hand on Tara's arm, stopping her. "No, not a groupie. An old lady."

Tara snorted, "I'm only seventeen. I'm not an old lady yet."

"Yes, you're Jax Teller's old lady. The VP's old lady. That means something to this club, this town. You don't ever forget that." She let go of Tara's arm and got out of the SUV.

"Did you finally decide where?"

Tara nodded, grinning. She had deliberated on it a lot, finally breaking down and asking Jax where he would most want her to get a tattoo. He had laughed and slapped her ass, then showed her exactly where he would want it. Gemma had hers on her chest, and she had noticed several of the girls getting them on their shoulders and arms. But Tara's would be different – hand-picked by her man without him even knowing it.

Tara turned and pointed to the small of her back before turning back around and smiling.

"A tramp stamp?" Gemma asked.

Tara nodded.

Gemma put her hands to her face, smiling. "Lady in the street, freak in the sheets?"

Tara giggled, "Hey, he picked it out. Kind of."

They walked into the tattoo parlor, seeing the same man who had done Clay's ink, Gemma's, Tig's, the Reaper on Jax's back, Thomas's name on one arm, and his tattoo for JT on the other. Jax trusted him, and Gemma knew he wouldn't let anyone else do Tara's ink.

"What can I do for you ladies today?" The man behind the counter asked.

Tara smiled, "I want the Crow-Eater tattoo."

The man, still looking down at his clipboard, seemed unimpressed. "You know, I have to have something written from the club before I can put that kinda ink on somebody."

Gemma put her purse down on the counter, causing the kid to look up. "How about the President's Old Lady?"

The man chuckled, nervously. "Why would the Queen accompany a Crow-Eater? Isn't that a little beneath you, Gemma?"

Gemma narrowed her eyes, but Tara got to the counter and grabbed the man's neck first. "I'm not just some Crow-Eater, asshole. I'm Jax Teller's old lady. Now, this is _supposed_ to be a surprise for him, but if I have to call him down here to deal with your ass, you'll be sorry." She let go of his neck, "So who's giving me my tattoo?"

Gemma smiled, putting her arm around Tara's shoulders.

Several hours later, Tara had suffered through it, but it hadn't hurt as much as she thought it would. She checked her watch and noted that Jax would be back soon. She didn't know what the club was doing that day, only that he would be gone for several hours – plenty of time for her and Gemma to steal away and get the tattoo before the party that night.

"Should we wait at the clubhouse?" she asked Gemma.

Gemma nodded, "You can wait in the apartment and I'll tell Jax there's a surprise waiting for him there."

When they arrived, Tara headed straight down the hallway to the apartment. She and Jax had shared many nights in it, since Jax was currently apartment hunting and Tara was still living with her dad. She smiled, this was a big birthday for Jax, his 18th. There was a huge surprise party planned, but Tara had a surprise of her own for him.

She heard the joys and shouts of people coming into the clubhouse and figured that the boys were back from their run. She smiled mischievously and started stripping off her clothes. The tattoo still looked a little red, but she figured it still looked okay enough to show him.

When she was naked, she stood in the doorway of the bathroom, her backside facing the apartment door. She heard the key click in the lock, and felt a shiver of excitement crawl across her skin. The door swung open, and she heard Jax's breath catch when he saw her.

"T—Tara?"

She turned around, "Hey baby."

He crossed the room to her, and she couldn't help but notice how handsomely the cut looked on him, even the sweatshirt, baggy jeans, white sneakers.

She couldn't help but want him.

"Happy birthday."

His mouth still hanging open, Jax acted as if he didn't know what to do.

"I got a surprise for you," she said, turning around and showing him her back.

"A, a crow-eater tat? Tara…" Jax sighed.

She turned around, wrapping his arms around her, "I know baby. I got it for you."

"Does this mean you're my old lady? Or just another Crow-Eater?"

She giggled, "Well what do you want me to be?"

He looked around the room, "I don't think I'd dig you being a sweetbutt, so looks like you're going to have to be my old lady."

She kissed him, pulling him closer to her and trying to take his clothes off at the same time. It was all she could manage to get his pants unbuckled and around his ankles.

"I guess you'll have to go on top," he said between kisses. "Wouldn't wanna mess up that pretty tattoo."

She pushed him back on the bed, removing all of his clothes, save for his cut. She didn't say anything – she didn't have to.

Jax shook his head, biting his lips, "Come here to me," he said, pulling at her hands. "I gotta have you, Tara."

–

Jax sat in his seat in the Chapel. For some reason, he had been spending a lot of time there. On his lunch breaks, regular breaks, sometimes even staying till seven pm, just thinking about his life. He'd been married to Wendy for six months, and he still didn't know how he felt about it.

On the one hand, Wendy was a good wife. She kept the house clean, cooked good meals, was stellar in bed, always kept beer in the fridge, and did her best to keep him happy. She didn't ask what the club was up to, only what time he would be home.

But on the other hand, Jax felt as if he were just going through the motions. He had heard Opie and Clay talk about things being different after getting married, but the only thing that changed was Wendy's last name. Jax drank more, smoked more, fucked more, and slept less than he had before he and Wendy eloped, but he still didn't feel anything more than before they left on that trip to Tahoe.

He wasn't lonely anymore – he had Wendy all the time – but something was just missing. He was relieved when he came home to her at night, and unhappy when he left her in the mornings, but he didn't miss her. It was almost like if she was out of sight, Wendy was out of his mind.

The only person Jax really missed was Opie. He had went to Chino the day after he and Wendy got back and the visit had helped his frame of mind. Opie had challenged him to see if he could really fall in love with Wendy. If he gave it a year and still felt empty, Opie had advised that Jax divorced Wendy.

So every week, when he called, wrote, or went to see Opie, he made sure to mention Wendy. He tried, like Opie asked him, to focus on the good qualities that Wendy had, but it didn't make him love her. As he took a drag off his cigarette, he wondered if he would ever love someone the way he loved Tara.

He shook his head, he didn't know what the fucking difference was. He fucked Wendy more than he had Tara, he had moved in with Wendy, married Wendy, even bought Wendy the same damn Crow-Eater tattoo, _and_ made her his old lady. He sighed in frustration. He didn't know if he could last another six months.

The heavy wood door opened and Wendy entered the room, closing it behind her. "I thought you might be here," she said softly.

"I'm sorry, just needed to be alone for a while."

"I know, and that's okay."

Jax did love the way she never asked questions.

"I'm going shopping today, I just thought I'd stop by and let you know."

He nodded, "Clothes?" she nodded. He reached into his back pocket for his wallet, fishing out a couple hundred dollars. "Here, buy something pretty, darlin'."

She smiled, "I'll see you tonight."

…

At 5 pm, Jax decided it was time to go home. He put away his tools, shut down the shop, and said goodbye to all the guys before closing everything down. Tig, Clay, Juice, and Chibs all waved to him before heading off on their bikes, but Jax took his time walking out.

He wondered if Wendy spent any of his money – she was always reluctant to, no matter how much Jax gave her. Her job at the gas station didn't pay much, but she never liked to grasp that it was _their_ money now, and always wanted to spend her own on her shopping trips.

When he finally strapped on his helmet and took off toward home, Jax felt better than he had in a few days. The road would always be his escape, he knew that. And as he pushed the bike to its limits, he knew the road would always be there for him, no matter the problem.

When he pulled up to his house, he noticed all the lights were off, but Wendy's car was parked in the driveway. He shrugged his shoulders, maybe she was taking a nap.

He opened the door to the dark house and lit a cigarette, plopping down on the couch and fumbling for the remote. A single light spilled from the kitchen. A glitter from the kitchen doorway caught his eye.

"Jesus..." Jax trailed off.

The glitter was from Wendy's rings…on Wendy's hand…lying in the floor.

Jax scrambled for the kitchen, finding her sprawled out on the floor, syringe lying next to her. He pulled the sleeve of her blouse up to her elbow, exposing her Crow-Eater tattoo on her forearm and seeing several tracks on her arm. He checked her pulse, she was still alive. He reached the telephone over the kitchen table, dialing 911 as fast as he could, and noticing several syringes with what he knew was blow.

"Hello? It's Jax Teller, I need an ambulance. Wendy's just OD'd."

…

When Wendy came to a few hours later at St. Thomas, she was greeted by a sour faced looking Jax, and a pissed off Gemma.

"Wha—what am I doing here?"

Gemma pursed her lips, "You used my son's money to buy your drugs."

Jax cut his eyes up at her, "Mom, I think I can handle this." He turned to Wendy, "How long have you been using? And _don't_ lie to me."

She sighed, there was no use lying to Jax. If he thought she was lying, he'd just find out who her dealer was and ask him, "Over a year."

Jax nodded, the doctor had told him that Wendy's body showed signs of long-term substance abuse. "How long have you been using _my_ money to buy drugs?"

Wendy looked at her hands, ashamed of what she had done, "This was the first time."

"Don't lie to us, you ungrateful junky whore!" Gemma hissed.

"I'm not lying," she said, raising her hands. "Jax gave me $200, it was enough to buy what I needed for a month… I couldn't resist."

Jax sighed, "Jesus Christ." He got up from his chair, and when he looked at her, he almost started crying. He couldn't believe he had married someone who could deceive him this way. But somehow, Jax blamed himself. If he hadn't been away so much, maybe he would've noticed. He turned back, ready to walk out.

"Jax! Please don't leave me," Wendy cried. "I—I can quit. I can change. I can get clean."

Jax stopped at the door, hand poised above the handle. "How can I trust you, Wendy? You've been lying to me since you moved in with me."

Wendy nodded, tears streaming, "I'm—I'm so sorry. I—I didn't mean to use drugs it was just—"

"Just what?" Jax said.

"It was j-just supposed to be one time at a-a party. And i-I liked it," she sobbed. "But I can get clean, Jax. I swear!"

"Who gave it to you?"

She scrunched her face, "The first time? I—I don't know."

"Who's your dealer?"

She looked at her hands and gave Jax the man's name.

Jax nodded, "One of Darby's guys. Figures." He sighed, "I'll pay for rehab, but it's not a fucking joke, Wendy. You almost died."

She nodded, "I can get clean, I promise."

Jax nodded and came back to her bedside, he kissed her wedding ring before kissing her head. "I love you, I'll be back soon."

Gemma exhaled and pulled Jax in, hissing in his ear, "Are you serious, Jackson?"

He shrugged, "I don't know what I am."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Did anyone see SOA last night?! Holy shit! Can't wait for the finale next week to see what Jax will do!

* * *

_Four years before SOA season one…  
One year after Jax's marriage to Wendy._

Tara rubbed her eyes – these long shifts were killing her. As soon as the internship was over, she had started longer and longer shifts at the hospital. They were severely understaffed, and some days Tara felt like she wasn't even making a difference. Today was one of those days.

"So how's it going with Josh?" Kaylee asked after several minutes.

"I don't know," Tara shrugged. "Slow-going, I guess. We've went out on dates here and there, but he's busy with his FBI stuff, I'm busy here. It's hard to date as adults," she laughed.

Kaylee nodded, "And I'm at least five years older than you are. The dating pool is small… So he's really FBI?"

Tara shook her head, "I guess. He works for the Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms division. But his badge says FBI."

"So he could, like, know every single thing about you?"

"I guess. I have a record."

Kaylee raised her eyes, "Ooooh, bad girl Tara. What happened?"

Tara shrugged, "We were dumb kids. Just stupid things like public intoxication."

"Was this with the biker VP you still won't tell me about?"

"There's nothing to tell," Tara laughed.

Kaylee took a sip from her coke. "Why did you come to Chicago? You never told me the whole story."

Tara looked down at her pizza and made a face. She knew Kaylee wouldn't believe her if she told her the _whole_ story – Kaylee was from Kentucky, they didn't have a ton of MCs.

"I just needed something different," Tara said, taking a bite of pizza.

"Most girls just dump a guy when they need something different – they don't relocate halfway across the country."

She just nodded, "It sounds crazy, I know. But it was the only way to truly get away from it all."

"Besides," she added, "It's not like I stole away in the middle of the night. I begged him for weeks to come with me."

"And he wouldn't go? That's heavy, dude."

Tara shrugged, "Jax is a big family man."

"What about your family? They were okay with you leaving?"

Tara looked down at her place and fiddled with her watch. "My father wants me to come back to visit, but I just can't. If I saw Jax, or saw Jax with someone else, or…anything relating to him… I don't know that I could leave twice."

"So why not go back? I mean, maybe it's time for another change."

Tara shook her head, "You don't understand. I'm not—I'm not made for club life, to be an old lady. I'm a doctor, for Christ's sake."

Kaylee nodded, "Just remember, doc, you loved him for a reason. I've gotta head back to work," she stood from the break room table. "I'll text you tonight."

Tara waved and looked at her watch. It was time to go back to work, but she couldn't make her feet move. For some reason, she felt uncomfortable telling Kaylee as much as she had. She knew that the condensed version hadn't made very much sense to her friend, but Tara didn't feel like she could disclose any more.

She rubbed her temples. If she told Kaylee the whole story, would she think Tara was a monster for falling in love with a man like Jax? If she told her only friend the kind of man that Jax was, would she still encourage Tara to go back?

For some reason, Tara didn't think Kaylee would like Jax too much if she met him.

Kaylee was from a completely different world than the one Jax and Opie had been born into – but then again, Tara had been too. She had only been emerged in the MC lifestyle for a few years and had quickly seen its corruption.

But what about Jax? Gemma? Clay? Opie? Did they not see the corruption? Or had they been immersed for so long that it didn't seem all that bad?

Tara thought hard about whether any of them had known what they were getting into, or whether they had seen enough of the outside world to know the difference. From what she understood, Gemma's previous husband (Jax's father) had founded the Sons of Anarchy, but had the original plan been to be what they were?

Murders who murdered in the name of brotherhood, Tara thought to herself.

Before getting with Jax, Tara had simply thought they were just mean guys with Harley's, but they had been so much more.

–

Every time Tara thought she heard the rumble of motorcycle go past the clubhouse, she had to immediately stop herself from jumping up and running to the door. She knew she couldn't do that. She had to appear calm and collected, just like Gemma had told her.

Tara was coming to realize that being an old lady was harder than just making dinner and riding on the back of some bearded guy's Harley. It was being a rock, a foundation, something the guys could lean on when things got rough.

Especially on nights like tonight, when they had dangerous shipments to deliver.

She, Gemma, and Opie's new girlfriend Donna had paced the clubhouse for hours, dying to hear any news from the boys. She felt sorry for Gemma and Donna more than anyone; Gemma because she was awaiting news of her _husband_ and _son_, and Donna because this was her first intense situation since becoming close to Opie.

"When they're gone, act however you want," Gemma had told them. "But when they come back, you must act like you weren't even worried."

She had heard Gemma give the speech many times before to the Croweaters and old ladies spread throughout the clubhouse, but it always comforted her to hear it and to know that she wasn't the only one worried out of her mind.

When the familiar rumble of the bikes poured into the parking lot, Tara reached over and grabbed Donna's hand. Although Donna was only a year or two younger than Tara's seventeen, she felt oddly connected to the poor girl. Donna hadn't been used to this lifestyle. Like Tara, she'd had no idea what she was getting into.

"I'm sure they're okay," she soothed. "They would've called if something bad had happened."

Gemma put her arms around both girls and led them and the other women out into the parking lot. There the boys were waiting.

Donna squealed and lept from Tara and Gemma's arms when she saw Opie, sprinting headlong and jumping into his arms. He held her and kissed her long, but there was no returned happiness. It was a kiss of comfort, one that expressed how glad he was to be home, and how happy he was to leave wherever he had just been. Whatever had happened, Opie was crushed.

"So much for calm and collected," Tara chuckled.

"She'll learn," Gemma replied. "With the looks I'm seeing, they might need a little of that, sweetheart."

Clay came next, and Tara noted that he seemed to be unharmed. As he crushed his body to Gemma's, Tara began to panic and look for Jax. Someone would've said something if he hadn't come back, or they would've at least thrown her apologetic looks, right?

As she fought through the crowd she finally saw him, still straddling his bike. She half ran, half walked to him, still wanting to appear in control of her emotions.

But the closer she got to Jax, the more she realized something was wrong. Jax was covered in blood.

"Wha—what .." Tara trailed off, unable to complete her sentence.

"It's not mine," Jax clarified. He got up from the bike, taking off his helmet and glasses. "I made it out okay."

She brought her hands to his face, "Are you really?"

He nodded, grabbing her hand and leading her into the apartment. He nodded to Clay and Gemma but did not stop to say anything to his mother. Whatever had happened, Tara knew that it was bad.

When he entered the apartment, he immediately started shedding his clothes. And once they were off, Tara examined him for any cuts or bruises that he hadn't noticed. When he passed her inspection, he headed for the shower, and Tara grabbed his bloody clothes, destined for the trash.

Jax emerged a few minutes later, clean, with a towel wrapped around his waist.

"Sorry," he said, kissing her deeply. "I didn't want to be welcomed home in someone else's blood."

Tara nodded.

"What happened tonight, Jax?"

He plopped on the bed, putting his face in his hands. Tara was silent.

When Jax finally spoke, his voice broke. "I _killed_ someone tonight, Tara. I ended a life." His body rocked with sobs, "I didn't have a choice – it was self defense but i—I _killed_ him."

Tara didn't know what to do except to embrace him. He cried against her shoulders and Tara cried with him, until the drones of people in the clubhouse died away to silence.

When Jax finally stopped crying, he got dressed in pajamas and Tara tucked him away in the bed. She felt as if she needed a shot and walked to the bar area.

To her surprise, Gemma was already seated with an empty beer bottle in front of her. Tara sat next to her.

"He okay?"

She nodded, "I guess so, he's asleep now. Did Clay tell you what happened?"

Gemma nodded. "First kill is always the hardest, sweetheart. How did you handle it?"

"I just held him."

The silence sat uneasy as Tara got up and poured herself a shot of the whiskey.

"What do you mean, it's always the hardest? They get easier?"

Gemma nodded, "Before long, it won't even phase him. The only reason the guys were so upset tonight was that Jax didn't shoot him, he cut him. More personal, intimate. But it had to be done."

"'_Had to be done_'? what the hell, Gemma. When is—is _murder_ ever okay?"

Gemma cut her a look, "When it protects the members and families of this club. Your job isn't to question decisions, Tara. It's to handle consequences. The club voted for this to happen, and it did. End of story."

Tara narrowed her eyes at her before angrily walking back to the room where Jax was.

He was no longer crying, but he opened his arms, eager for her to be next to him.

She couldn't justify it, couldn't reason through it, but Jax needed her.

…

Jax sat at the table in the empty room, waiting for the guards to bring Opie to him. He was a little surprised, with it being a Saturday that more families weren't cramming in to see their loved ones.

He looked around the room, realizing that nothing had changed in the Chino Visitor Center since he'd last been here to see Opie four months ago. He had written letters and made phone calls nearly every week, but he always felt guilty about taking away personal visits from Donna. But the sign on the door said Family Day was next week, just like Donna had told him when he had asked to see Opie.

When she had told him to take the visit, he almost couldn't contain his happiness at actually _seeing_ his best friend.

For some reason, he felt as if he _needed _to be with Opie today, which weirded him out a little. It was his anniversary with Wendy, but for the last week, he had been feeling in his gut that it was time to see Opie and time to finally open up about Wendy.

Gemma had been bothering him since he had eloped to talk to her about it, but he found that he just couldn't. He'd open his mouth to try to talk, but the words just wouldn't come out. His mind would always go straight to Tara, and he knew that was something Gemma would _not_ want to hear.

But Opie did. In every letter and phone call, Ope would hear everything – even the things he didn't have to say.

He drummed his hands on the table, eager for a smoke. Prisons made him nervous.

It was probably because he was one of the biggest outlaws in San Joaquin County…or because he didn't like the bland walls. Either, he decided.

Jax leaned back in his chair and tried to decide what he would talk to Opie about first. The drug problem was killing him. And other than paying for rehab, he didn't know what to do. So far Jax hadn't done anything more than toe the boundary between keeping a close eye on her and pushing her away.

He was desperate to get away from her, to crawl out from the hole that his drunken elopement had put them in. But his main dilemma was her fragility. He knew that if he left her it would send her on a downward spiral that would probably end up in a drug overdose. And Jax wouldn't be around to save her.

Loving Wendy was one thing, but directly contributing to her death?

But yet, he didn't know how long he could keep holding on, keep playing house with Wendy. Because that's what it was. He woke up every day and felt as if he had to at his part – go through the motions to be a good husband and keep Wendy on track. It was like a damn routine, wake up, eat breakfast, kiss his wife, go to work, come home, get mind-numbingly drunk, fuck his wife's brains out, go to sleep. Repeat.

She'd been clean for two months and was already throwing around the idea of a baby. Jax had considered it – maybe a baby would be the thing that actually made them a family – but was that a good reason to bring a kid into the world?

Jax sighed, running his hands through his hair. He was 25 years old. He should be hitting tight tail and drinking every fucking night. Not babysitting his junkie wife that he hadn't really wanted to marry in the first place.

When Opie entered the room, Jax couldn't help but smile. He didn't look like he had any bruises and looked as if he were gaining weight. Jax was glad – the inside protection they had gotten him seemed to be paying off. He hugged his brother and sat down at the table.

"Look like you've been gaining some weight – finally. You needed it, bro."

Opie shook his head, "What's up, brother? You didn't drive an hour to comment on how well my clothes fit."

Jax smiled, Opie always had a way of getting right to the point.

"Got a few things on my mind, Ope."

Opie nodded, "I've got an hour to waste, brother."

And so Jax started to vent. He told Opie every thought that had been running through his mind: about leaving Wendy, staying with Wendy, having a baby, not having a baby, everything he had been thinking about for the last year.

Finally, Opie put his hand up to stop Jax. "Listen to yourself talk, Jax. You're discussing Wendy and your relationship as if you were describing an employee at TM. No emotion, no remorse."

Jax put his head in his hands, he knew that Opie was right. He had become so disconnected from Wendy, trying so hard to push her away, that their relationship was more like a business transaction than love.

"Do you think the club made me this way?" he sighed.

"No," Opie said, shaking his head. "I don't think it was the club at all."

Jax looked up at him, "Then what?"

Opie took a deep breath, "I think Tara made you this way."

Jax narrowed his eyes, "What the hell do you mean, man? I haven't spoken to Tara in years."

"I know. And you've spent every day trying to find something or someone that will replace her. It doesn't work that way, Jax. Even now, hearing you talk about Wendy, I can tell – you're trying to replace Tara."

"So what do you mean? I'm taking a—a time out from missing Tara?"

"Sort of," Opie sighed. "I think for the last year, you've been afraid to say that your marriage and your relationships have failed because you miss her. Think about it, brother. You've never looked at another woman the way you looked at Tara. And it seems like you had a certain box in your heart for Tara, and you've been trying to get Wendy to fill the void that Tara left behind."

Jax chuckled darkly, "Like trying to put a square peg in a round hole."

Opie nodded.

"Well what do I do then? I can't leave Wendy now, she'll end up in a morgue somewhere."

"I know. What does Gemma have to say about it?"

Jax rolled his eyes, "She loved Wendy until we found out she was doing crank. Now I think she'd rather have me with Tara."

Opie laughed, "That's a pretty serious hatred for Wendy."

"Maybe I'll just ride it out till you get home."

"Four years is a long ass time to dawdle on a marriage, Jax."

"I know," Jax said. He wished he had a blunt. It would calm his feelings and get him thinking straight. "She wants to have a baby."

Opie winced, "That's a bad idea, brother. A baby won't make you love her."

"I figured you'd say that."

"A baby will make it harder to leave too, Jax."

The guard called Opie's name.

"Look, brother, you need to decide if your loneliness is worth putting Wendy's heart on the line. The lonely might sting a little bit at first, but you've got to worry about number one, you understand?"

Jax nodded and stood up to hug his brother at arms.

When the guards escorted Opie back to his cell, Jax followed the signs till he was in the parking lot. He lit a cigarette and straddled his bike, thinking. He really had been treating Wendy with little to no emotion, but he didn't know how to fix it.

Maybe they needed a break.

He wondered what Tara would have to say about it all.


	7. Chapter 7

Juice's patch-in party was a huge success – not as big as Jax's patch-in party had been, but Jax felt like Juice deserved it. They had put him through hell as a prospect for the last year, and he was usually included in whatever the club was doing. He was trusted, he was loved, and Jax knew they were all glad to finally patch him in.

The party was absolute chaos and Jax smiled in spite of himself. Clay had perfect timing in voting to patch Juice in and inviting down most of the SOA charters – this party was exactly what everyone (especially Jax) needed.

He had stood on Clay's left, beaming with pride when Clay handed over Juice's cut, and the boys from Washington, Oregon, and Nevada all piled up with SAMCRO for congratulations. The drinks went all around, the music blasted, and Jax quickly grabbed a beer and tried to find a table that someone hadn't started taking body shots off yet.

He nearly stopped when he passed three girls doing body shots off each other, but Tig and Bobby were already ushering an already wasted Juice into the middle of it, so he clapped his new brother on the back and kept walking.

When he finally found an empty table, he looked behind him and realized he was pretty far away from the center of the noise and flashing lights of the party. He sipped his cold beer silently, smirk plastered to his face.

He supposed he should be sad and missing Wendy, but he didn't. If he had to be honest, he was glad that he was here and she was in rehab. He had been done wrong and lied to, so she didn't really deserve any more of his time.

Several people walked past him, either taking shots or grinding on one another. He took a big drink of his beer, wondering when the last time he had danced with a girl was. He figured it had to have been the night of the house party, more than a year ago. He shook his head, dancing with a girl was half the fun of the chase. The dance let them know who you were and what you could do.

As the DJ blasted, he saw some of the SAMCRO members sitting around a fire, smiling and laughing at some joke. He thought about joining them, but thought better of it. Since the day he had found Wendy in the kitchen, everyone just threw him pitiful looks, as if they were waiting for him to break down.

He chugged his beer and stood to get another one. He spotted Happy, from the Tacoma chapter, and waved. His eyes traveled to the faces of some of the other Sons that he knew and he nodded. At the end of the line, a short brunette stood up against the wall, talking to some prospect.

For a second, Jax stopped in his tracks and the smile faded from his face.

No…it couldn't be. Not here.

The prospect turned to wave to him and the girl turned with him.

She smiled warmly at him and Jax breathed a sigh of relief. It wasn't her, she hadn't ran away to another Son, another chapter.

Realizing that the girl was still looking at him, he put his mental breakdown aside and his mouth curled into a knowing smirk. She was wearing a bright yellow halter top that stopped just shy of her midriff, and he thought he could see a belly button ring over her tight stomach. Her cutoff shorts were just short enough to get his imagination pumping and her stilettos didn't help.

But her eyes… She was hungry for him. And not in the same way Wendy usually was - full of love and devotion. This girl wasn't hungry for his love - she was hungry for what was in his pants.

It had been a long time since Jax had been looked at that way.

Before he had married Wendy, he was known as the womanizer of SAMCRO. Women melted in his presence and he usually took a different one home every night or every other night. It was rare that he slept with the same woman twice, and even rarer that he was refused. But when Wendy had moved in with him, he thought he was okay trading the look of hunger for one of love. The problem was, Wendy never hungered for him anymore. And it bored him.

He quickly crossed the party, the beer long forgotten.

"I'm Jax," he said, putting an arm against the wall of the clubhouse and easing his body onto hers, cutting in between her and the prospect.

"I'm, sorry?" she replied, pushing him back.

"Sorry, darlin'. Thought I should at least tell you my name before I started."

"Started what?" she purred.

He leaned in close, putting his lips next to her ear. He took a deep breath, "Before I started to dance with you. Now what's your name, baby?"

He could feel her go to pieces and he smiled – he still had the old charm.

"Alicia."

He grabbed her hand and led her to the middle of the party, where a throng of Croweaters and Sons had started grinding to whatever the DJ was playing. It was a faster paced song, one Jax swore that he had heard before, but he couldn't concentrate on anything but Alicia. Her body was swaying to the beat, and at first all Jax could do was watch.

As the bass dropped in the song, Jax knew he had to quickly get to work if he wanted to get somewhere with this girl. He pulled her close and let his hands explore her body, pulling her close to him and grinding on her, showing her exactly what he wanted to do later.

She leaned back into his body and Jax thought he could hear her moan in the midst of the music.

God, she was hot.

She ran her hands through her hair as the song ended, and Jax smiled keenly at her.

"Wanna go again?" she said, breathless.

Jax shook his head, "Let's go get a drink from inside."

She nodded and followed him inside the clubhouse. It was mainly empty, save for a few guys who had scored Croweaters or brought their old ladies. They were scattered throughout, grinding or making out on chairs, bars, pool tables, anything flat that they could find.

It was for this reason that Jax had locked the apartment before the party started. Although he didn't stay there now that Wendy was in rehab, he had figured Juice would need a room sometime during the night and wouldn't be able to drive home, so he had locked the room and kept the key tight so it would remain unoccupied.

He chuckled to himself as he pulled Alicia close to him in the hallway. He kissed her lips, growing hungry with need. Not really for _her_ in particular, but for some_one_. Someone who didn't know about Tara, didn't know about Wendy, didn't know that every woman he'd loved had left.

"This isn't the bar," she said as he kissed her neck.

"I know," Jax whispered. "I'm suddenly not thirsty anymore."

She giggled as he fumbled with the key from his pocket and kissed her neck. After what seemed like an eternity, he opened the door to the apartment. She looked inside and saw the bed, catching on to his thoughts in a few seconds.

"Now?" she asked him, eyes growing wide with excitement. "But what about the party?"

Jax kicked the door shut behind him, locking it. "I'm the only one with a key."

Alicia nodded and grabbed his hand, smiling as she reached for his pants, "Alright, tiger."

He nodded, grabbing her ass and crashing to the bed.

…

An hour later, Gemma looked around the party, trying to decipher where her son had gone. Clay had told her repeatedly not to worry, but Gemma did anyway. Jax hadn't been himself since he caught Wendy with crank, and it was beginning to worry Gemma more than she let on. Of course, Jax had been acting normal around the guys, it was times like when Gemma caught him home alone or in the shop by himself that he acted different.

She sipped her beer and sat on the top of the picnic table, with Clay on the bench below her to her left and Tig on the right. Most of the SAMCRO bunch sat around a makeshift bonfire, telling stories and jokes as Bobby played the guitar. The only ones missing were Opie, who was in the big house, Juice who was neck deep in pussy, and Jax, who was MIA.

"I'm going to find Jax," Gemma said for the tenth time that night.

Tig just shook his head, "I'm telling you, Gem. He's off somewhere getting his dick sucked by that brunette he was dancing with. No need to worry."

Gemma just wasn't so sure, but she sipped her beer anyway. If he was doing what Tig suggested, she didn't want to interrupt. It wouldn't be the first time she had caught her son fucking some girl, but it was only awkward for all parties involved.

It wasn't that she had little faith in her son to keep his vows – Gemma just knew men. Regardless of who they truly loved, only half their thinking was performed by their brain. The other half was all about physical pleasure and if a woman knew how to control that, she could control a man.

She had warned both Jax and Opie about how easily a woman could control them early on. Maybe that was why Jax was so cavalier about sex, she thought. But she didn't care, she had made both of them tough, and neither would take any shit off anyone. She was proud of her boys.

As she looked around the party, she wished that Opie hadn't gone to prison. While he wasn't her own flesh and blood, she had basically raised him when Mary checked out and again when Piney was on his own. Opie understood Jax on a level that she didn't, couldn't, and didn't attempt to. They were brothers and had been for nearly all their lives – he would be able to pull Jax out of whatever weird thoughts he had going on in his head.

Sometimes she wondered if his different behavior was due to the marriage or the drugs. He assured her that he was fine, just a little upset about being lied to, but Gemma was smarter than he gave her credit for. There was a look permanently etched on Jax's face that he was trying to cover up, one that she had seen before in the mirror, years and years ago when JT had started making his trips to Belfast.

She had never said anything to anyone, because she didn't feel as if she had any right to after what had been going on with her and Clay. So she had put on her make up, fixed her hair, and became a badass old lady.

When the beer was gone, she contemplated going home. She had made an appearance at the party, kissed Juice on the cheek, and snapped the necessary pictures for the albums. The only thing left in her queenly duties was to party, but she was almost getting too old for all that shit. She turned to look at Clay who was telling some joke about a rabbi – clearly wasn't ready to leave.

She didn't want to go home without him, so she figured she might as well grab another beer. She stood up from the picnic table and looked around the SAMCRO circle.

"Anybody want another beer?"

Tig, Clay, Bobby, and Chibs all raised their hands, so instead of heading toward the big cooler in the middle of the parking lot, she headed into the clubhouse, hoping to have a minute to think without bass pumping through her body.

Most of the people had cleared out or passed out of the clubhouse, and Gemma was relieved to be able to hear her own thoughts again. She reached into the fridge, grabbing the beers and opened her own, taking a few sips.

_Bang…bang…bang_, she heard. It sounded like someone was banging something against the wall.

"What the hell?"

She walked out of the kitchen and down the hallway, where the sound had stopped. She rolled her eyes, Juice had probably snuck off with some girl. She sipped her beer again and walked back to the bar, sitting on one of the stools.

She heard the door to the apartment slam, and she whipped her head around to see the brunette she had seen dancing with Jax. She was carrying her shoes in one hand and trying to smooth her hair in the other, cursing up a storm.

"No need in trying to fix your hair, sweetheart."

The girl just rolled her eyes, "I can't fucking believe him."

Gemma raised her eyebrows and sipped her beer.

"I'm out of here."

The girl walked out of the clubhouse, slamming the door behind her.

"Good riddance," Gemma huffed. She grabbed one of the extra beers and headed back toward the apartment, gently pushing the door open.

Jax sat on the edge of the bed, sheets pulled up in his lap, head in his hands. His long blonde hair was mussed, but he didn't look up when she came in.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Gemma said, extending the beer.

Jax looked up, clearly thankful that it was her and not the brunette. He took the beer and opened it, taking a few gulps. "First time back into the game for a while."

Gemma nodded, "She seemed pretty heated. Want to talk about it?"

Jax shrugged, "Her name was Alicia."

"What does that matter?"

Jax chuckled, taking a sip from the beer, "It really doesn't matter. Just stupid."

As badly as Gemma wanted to press the issue, she didn't. There was no telling what had happened. "There's a hell of a party going on outside. Get dressed and come out there with us."

Jax just looked at her, "I don't think I'm going to."

"What are you going to do?"

"Probably just go home."

Gemma nodded, knowing better than to press her luck. She kissed his forehead and left the apartment. "Goodnight, baby."

…

Jax walked into the back door of the house, briefly wondering how safe it was to leave the door unlocked all the time. He didn't think the door had ever been locked, but he was a Son, everyone knew better than to rob him.

He walked into the kitchen and clicked the answering machine. There was a message from the rehab center, reporting on how Wendy was doing. He half listened and got another beer from the fridge. He was glad to know that she was clean – one step closer to being rid of her.

The next message was from the Charming Boys & Girls club, trying to get him to donate. He made a mental note to mention it at Chapel tomorrow. He liked donating to clubs and things like that, it made him feel like one of the good guys.

He sat at the kitchen table, thinking about the girl again. For one moment he had lost himself and the wrong name had slipped out. Easy mistake, he knew, but he should've lied when the girl (what was her name? alice, Allison, Alicia?) asked who she was. Somehow, he knew "the one that got away" wasn't the answer a girl wanted to hear.

He reflected on what Opie had told him at the prison the other day. Was he trying to make other girls like Tara? Did he miss her that bad?

Sipping on his beer, he tried to think about what Tara would say about him calling out her name during sex with a random girl. He chuckled, knowing exactly the cussing she would give him.

He sat at the table a few more minutes, still drinking the beer. He thought about calling her, thought about going to see her. He had heard through the grapevine that she was in Chicago now, working for some big hospital up there. He could do it, he knew. Head out right this second and be there by morning.

But what would it accomplish?

Tara _might_ answer his phone call, but he doubted she would. And if he tried to go to Chicago, no matter what excuse he made, Gemma would cut his throat.

But he wanted to hear her voice so badly. He wanted to hear her say his name – not even in a sexual way, just to hear her say Jackson in the aggravated tone that she used to.

He sighed - he should've brought someone home with him. Being alone gave him too much time to think.

The cellphone was still sitting on the kitchen table. He had changed his number several times, but he knew Tara's by heart.

He picked it up and flipped it open, deliberating for just a second longer. She had been gone for seven years and he ached to talk to her. Was seven years long enough? Would hearing her voice be enough?

The beer came down hard on the table as Jax made his decision. He started dialing the numbers, pacing the kitchen, suddenly more nervous than he had been since she left.

_Riiinnnggggg….._

_Riiinnnggggg….._

_Riiinnnggggg….._

Then a click.

"You have reached the cell phone of Doctor Tara Knowles. I can't come to the phone right now. If this is an emergency, please call Chicago Presbyterian and ask to be forwarded to my extension. Otherwise, leave your name, number, and a message and I'll get back to you soon."

Jax felt as if all the air had been sucked from his lungs. He dropped the phone and it clattered shut on the ground. He ached for her worse than he ever had in his life.

But she had left him, she had went away. He sat in the middle of the kitchen, feeling the hot tears slide down his face. He felt ashamed, crying over her again as if he were nineteen – the pain was just as fresh as it had been years ago.

He knew deep down that Opie was right.

He missed Tara.


	8. Chapter 8

_Three years before season 1…_

Tara took off her latex gloves and launched them across the room, feeling hot tears burn her eyes. The organ transplant she had been assisting had gone horribly wrong. They had ended up patching the man up and rescheduling another surgery, but Tara hadn't been any less pissed.

She swore. It wasn't her fault, she knew there was nothing she could do, but she still felt guilty.

She sat in the empty room for a few minutes to collect herself before walking to her office. She had some paperwork that needed to be filled out and should have already been done. She walked the empty hallways, occasionally seeing a nurse or two on their rounds. The hospital had been hiring more and more people since she started, and she was glad to get a break. She didn't wave since she didn't know any of the new hires.

Three weeks' worth the vacation was waiting for her, and she knew she should probably take them and go back to California to see her dad, but she realized that it worked both ways. He could easily come to Chicago to visit her. Josh had also suggested a weekend getaway last night, but she didn't know if she wanted to do that either. But the idea of that much vacation was alluring, tempting even.

Josh Kohn had been casually courting her for over a year, and if Tara ever seemed indifferent to him, he would get increasingly possessive until she showed him affection again. Kaylee thought he was a clinger mainly because he had so much time invested in her and liked her so much, it kind of creeped Tara out.

But what he lacked in respect for space, he made up for in romance. Nearly every time she went to see him there was either expensive wine in an ice bucket, rose petals somewhere, or her favorite movie playing on the television. Anything she wanted, all she had to do was ask. She deserved to be pampered after all the shit she had put up with over the years, she decided.

Her office was empty as normal, and she collapsed into the chair behind her desk. Normally it was uncomfortable, but after a bad surgery it felt like a feather bed. She opened the drawer and retrieved her cell phone, not really having looked at it since she left Josh's last night.

**1 New Voicemail**

Tara cocked her head to the side and opened the phone, dialing 1 and waiting for the voicemail to play. All she heard was what sounded like the phone being dropped to the ground and the line going dead. She checked the number on her missed calls list to find that the number had come from Charming.

She knew the only person who would bother calling her was her father, or something related to him. She looked at the clock and saw she had an hour before she was due back for duty, so she dialed her dad's number.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Dad. It's Tara."

"Sweetie," her dad crooned. "Is something wrong?"

Tara chuckled, "No, I just got a call from a Charming number I didn't recognize. Thought it might have been you."

"Nope," he said. She could hear him take a sip of something…probably vodka. "Anyone else who would bother calling you?"

Tara thought about it. There was only one other person in Charming who gave a shit about her leaving. "Surely not."

"Think that boy might have?"

She had to fight to keep from laughing. Ever since Tara had started dating Jax as a teenager, her father had never called him by his given name. It was either "that boy" or "that son of a bitch." It was nice to see that after seven years he still hadn't changed his ways.

"I doubt it, Dad. We haven't spoken in years."

"All the same. I wish you'd come home. St. Thomas would love to have you on staff."

"Maybe one day, Dad. I gotta go, love you."

"Love you too."

She hated not having a better relationship with her father, but he was a hard man to be around. When Tara's mother died, it was like someone flipped a switch inside him to turn him into another person. He started heavily drinking and avoiding Tara. She always suspected it was because he was a mean drunk and didn't want to take it out on her, but it still didn't make her feel any better.

As a teenager, she had clung to her school books, finding love in the classroom when she couldn't find it at home. And when she met Jax and the club… well, the allure of a family quickly drew her in.

As Tara sat in her office chair, she remembered that at first it hadn't been a real welcoming family. Gemma Teller Morrow had always rubbed Tara the wrong way when she happened to see her in town. Tara always thought of her as the Peter Pan of the biker world – the old lady who just didn't wanna grow up. She chuckled, thinking about how Gemma never looked like a mother to her. Tara didn't know if it was because Gemma was so different from the cookie-cutter Mother image that she had become so used to or if she thought mothers shouldn't wear leather.

But Gemma was Queen Bee, and Tara never would've been accepted into the club unless Gemma liked her. And she had…for a while.

But when Tara started talking about leaving Charming and trying to get Jax to go with her, that was when Gemma flipped her switch and began trying to take Tara down from the MC princess pedestal Gemma had put her on.

"Dr. Knowles, you are needed in OR. Dr. Knowles to OR please," the speakers boomed outside her office. Tara groaned – as fun as her trip down memory lane was, the last thing she wanted to do was get up and be productive. She stood up from her desk anyway and rubbed her eyes. It was going to be a long damn day.

–

Tara sat on the couch with Jax's head in her lap. It was raining cats and dogs outside, so she had decided to skip school and Jax had called in to work. It had been peaceful, so peaceful, to just lie with him. She stroked his hair while he told her stories from her childhood.

"And Ope, he made the jump easy, you know. So I basically _had_ to do it too," he laughed. "So I got on the ramp and pedaled as fast as I could."

"And then what happened?" Tara giggled.

Jax grinned, "I came up short and trashed Bobby's bike. I broke my arm," he pointed to the scar.

She waggled her eyebrows at him and winked, "Battle scars are hot, baby."

She leaned down to kiss him as the phone rang in the kitchen. She shook her head and tapped Jax's chest, signaling him to let her up. She walked to her dad's kitchen and picked up the phone on the second ring.

"Hello?"

"Hey, sweetheart. Is Jax there?" Tig's voice came from the other end.

She smiled, "Yes he is. Everything okay?"

"Yeah, just let him know we got church in an hour, okay?"

"One hour, got it, Tig."

"Bye sweetheart."

She hung up the phone and walked to the living room. "Top secret bad ass biker meeting in an hour," she laughed.

Jax smiled, still laying where she had left him on the couch. "It's only gonna take me fifteen minutes to get over there, you know."

Tara winked, "I know." And ran back to her bedroom, squealing.

…

As was the custom on Friday night, the second Church was over, SAMCRO erupted into a party. Old ladies, Croweaters, Sons, and anybody else invited ate, drank, and were merry.

Tara sat on her couch reading her biology textbook. As much as she wanted to be at the SAMCRO party, she had a test on Monday and had already wasted enough time with Jax.

She smiled; her skin still tingled from that afternoon with him. Although he had been her first, she couldn't imagine that making love got any better with anyone else.

Shaking the thought from her brain, she tried to focus back on her book and her notes. It was hard, knowing there was a ridiculous party going on and she couldn't be there.

She wondered what Jax was doing. He had promised he wouldn't stay very long – just enough to keep up appearances – and then he would come back and help her study.

Rolling her eyes, Tara looked at the clock. It was 12:30 – so much for him leaving "early." She had been studying for hours and started to get worried about Jax. What if he had left and something had happened to him?

The book fell to the floor as Tara rose and grabbed her father's keys from the kitchen table.

She followed the path Jax would've taken if he had been coming from TM to her house, eyes peeled for his bike. She finally pulled into the Teller Morrow parking lot and found a place to park the Cutlass. She spotted Jax's bike across the parking lot and scowled. She walked into the clubhouse and saw the party was winding down – but no Jax.

Gemma spotted her at the door way, "Hey, sweetheart. Thought you were studying for some test."

Tara nodded, "I was, but Jax was supposed to come help me study and I can't find him."

"I don't know, baby. I haven't seen him in an hour or two." She turned to the rest of the boys, "Anybody seen Jax?"

"Yeah!" Chibs yelled. "He's in the apartment, hellaciously drunk!"

"Maybe we should—" Gemma began, but Tara cut her off.

"I know the way," Tara said. Knowing that he hadn't left the party early like he said he would angered her. What could he be doing that was more important?

When she got to the door, she looked behind her to see that Gemma had followed her. Tara suspected that she was worried about what he was doing too.

She opened the door to the apartment and her heart stopped.

A man and woman were having sex, and she thought the man's tattoo looked like the reaper on Jax's back. The man's hair was blonde and just as long as Jax's... but she thought it couldn't be Jax.

The man turned around and smiled at Tara and Gemma.

"Hey babe! Wanna join?" the man slurred.

As Tara focused in on his face, she realized it _was_ Jax.

Cheating on her.

And that was all it took for her to see red.

"You son of a bitch," she screamed. Tara pushed him off the girl so that he was sitting up and reared back, punching him hard across the face and into the floor.

She turned to the girl and knew that hell was flashing in her eyes.

"Who the fuck are you?" she yelled.

Tara narrowed her eyes, "His girlfriend. Get your clothes and get the _fuck_ out before something bad happens to you."

"Unhhh," Jax groaned from the floor.

"What if I don't wanna leave?" the girl said.

Tara started to take a step forward but Gemma put an arm across her waist to block her. "Sweetheart, we're gonna give you ten seconds to get your shit together and get out. One of the boys will give your unwanted ass a ride home."

The girl stuck her nose in the air but started reaching for her clothes. When she finished, she walked out of the apartment and down the hall. With a reassuring arm squeeze, Gemma left the room too.

Tara turned back to Jax, who was shrugging into his jeans, "Might as well leave those on the floor. I'm going home."

She turned on her heel and strode through the clubhouse, catching the girl Jax had been with standing against the pool table. Tara saw red, who the hell was this girl to stand by when she'd already been kicked out?

Tara walked to her and before the girl could say anything, Tara had a hand at her neck.

"What part of 'get out' did you not understand?"

The girl narrowed her eyes at Tara, "Sorry you can't handle the competition but –"

"But what?" Tara thundered, squeezing harder. "_This_ is how I can handle the competition. So I suggest you get the fuck out of here and don't ever come back. Because if I ever see you around Jax or any of these boys again," Tara trailed off, laughing. She dropped the girl to the ground and smiled as she scurried out of the clubhouse.

"Tig!" Gemma called, "Escort this tramp home."

"Anything for you, baby," Tig said, eager to get out of the room.

Tara fished her keys from her pocket and followed the girl and Gemma out to the parking lot, where the Cutlass sat. she reached for the door handle and heard him calling to her.

"Tara! Tara wait!"

"What do you want, Jax?" she asked, turning toward him. His eye was starting to run red and swell, and Tara was a little proud for hitting him that hard.

"I—I'm sorry, okay? I had too much to drink and the girl was just… I'm so sorry, Tara."

"You blew me off so you could get your rocks off in some girl, Jax. I can't just say it's okay and move on," Tara said.

He took her hand and she allowed him to. "Baby, no one is ever going to matter like you do, you know that. I just—I just had a bad moment, okay."

"Just because sex is a-a cavalier thing to you doesn't mean I feel the same way!" She yelled. "It's important and I can't just let you go off with some slut every time you get a buzz!"

Jax just looked in her eyes and she could see his welling up with tears. She sighed and let her hands fall to her hips. "Has it happened before?"

Jax hung his head, "No."

She turned back to look in his eyes, "Cheating is a deal breaker for me, Jax. I've seen it destroy people and I'm not going to let something like that destroy me. If I ever find out you're sleeping around again… _especially_ when you're supposed to be with me…"

Jax nodded, "I understand. I love you, Tara."

–

"I just don't know, Wendy. This is your second time going into that damn place," Jax yelled into the phone. He paced the garage, he didn't want to deal with Wendy's bullshit excuses anymore.

"Look, I understood the first time. Drug addiction is an easy thing to get into and a hard thing to get out of. I was patient, I understood. But this time, Wendy? Seriously? You expect me to just let you waltz back in like nothing was wrong?"

His hands were shaking and he couldn't even concentrate on anything Wendy was saying. She had been clean for eight months and five days when he caught her shooting up in the kitchen.

He hadn't been mad then. There was no point in being angry when she was high. Instead, he just called Gemma and Clay, and they helped him take her to a rehab. He spent a few days trying his hardest to understand, but in the end he just couldn't, so he stayed away.

Three days after he dropped her off, she had called him. But instead of "I'm sorry" and "I love you," she had asked him to hide her stash in one of the kitchen drawers.

Then he had been mad.

"Look, addiction is one thing. But storing the shit in _my_ house? Really?" he could hear her sobbing, but he'd had enough. "I'm going to see a lawyer Monday."

"Wha—what?"

He took a drag off a cigarette, "I'm filing for divorce, Wendy. You can't stay clean long enough to make this marriage work." She started to cry as Gemma walked into the garage. "Look, I have to go. We'll talk about this later, okay?" and he hung up.

"Tough day, sweetheart?"

Jax smiled, flipping his phone on the work bench behind him. "Don't know how to navigate this. Divorcing her is going to wreck her, staying with her is going to wreck me."

Gemma just nodded. "Sometimes our decisions aren't easy ones, baby."

Instead of answering her, he just went back to tuning up his bike.

"I got a list of some repos here – might wanna send out Juice and someone else."

Jax nodded, "I'll get him and Chibs on it."

He expected Gemma to leave the garage and head back to the office, but she pulled up a stool and sat next to where he was working. For a few minutes, he kept working and Gemma just sat as if she were waiting for an explanation.

"What's wrong, Mom?"

"Are you sure you're okay?" Gemma asked softly.

Jax lit a cigarette and took a long drag, "I'm fine, Ma."

When Gemma looked up at him, Jax nearly dropped the cigarette from his hand. She was giving him an intense look, but it wasn't the hard and inquisitive look she normally gave people – it was sorrow and full of worry. He had only seen her give him that look three times before in his life, when Thomas died, when JT died, and when Tara left Charming.

"I promise, I really am. No need to worry."

"You just haven't been acting like yourself, baby," Gemma sighed. "Most of the time, when I see you like this, you take a few days and you get over it. But this time… I don't know, Jackson."

"What do you mean?" Jax asked, narrowing his eyes.

"When your brother passed, and your father…you just needed some time to cope with it. You took a little while and spent time with your friends and got a little rebellious, but you moved on, baby. Even after Tara left, you—you got better."

"And now?"

Gemma just sighed again, "Jackson, you're worrying me."

Jax took another drag off his cigarette, he saw the same worry in Gemma's eyes that he had seen in Opie's. He smiled and hugged his mother. "I'm sorry, Mom. I'll be okay." He kissed her forehead and left the garage.


	9. Chapter 9

_Two years before SOA season 1…_

"Got the 5-0 on deck, boys!" Juice called from the bar.

Clay stood up from his chair inside the Chapel and looked at Jax. "Warrant?"

Jax shook his head and casually took a sip of his beer. "Don't know what the hell they'd have a warrant for, nobody's done anything stupid lately."

When Clay left the room, Jax shook his head, took a drag off his cigarette and followed.

Jax had to fight a groan when he saw Daniel Hale's squad car was sitting pretty in the TM parking lot. Jax couldn't even pretend that he liked the man – he never had. With Hale's father a judge and Jax's father the SOA founder, it always seemed like they were working for opposite sides while growing up. And now that they _had _grown up, Jax noticed the line in the sand had gotten thicker and thicker.

For some reason, the boys all looked nervous, Jax didn't know why. They hadn't done any jobs or made any runs for the last few days. There wasn't anything incriminating in the clubhouse. Maybe it was the 'I have the biggest dick in this town' attitude of the newly appointed Deputy Sherriff, Jax thought.

But after seeing the no-fear attitudes Clay and Jax wore, Jax noticed a lot of the boys standing up a little straighter, their looks of worry replaced with smart smirks.

He put on a smile and followed Clay.

"Sorry, Officer, we just ran out of doughnuts," Clay said, extending his arms wide.

"Hah, hah," Hale fake-laughed. "Not here for Gemma's doughnuts today, need to speak to your VP."

Jax pointed at his chest and put his cigarette in his mouth, "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

Hale took off his sunglasses, "It's about Tara. Is there somewhere we can talk?"

Jax felt all the color and emotion drain from his face. He felt the eyes of knowing members on him – those that didn't know just looked at one other, wondering who this 'Tara' was.

"You okay, son?" Clay asked, putting his hand on Jax's shoulder. Jax nodded to Clay and sat on the picnic table outside the clubhouse. He was afraid to ask what had happened to her.

"Sorry to barge in on you like this," Hale said, somberly.

"Is—is she okay?" Jax asked, looking at his white sneakers.

Hale just nodded and then realized Jax wasn't looking at him. "Yeah, Tara's fine. It's just her dad. We found him today, wandering the streets and calling her name. Picked him up, took him to St. Thomas, they think it's dementia. Pretty advanced stages too. Said it's been going on for the last six months. No one noticed."

"How bad?"

Hale shook his head, "Say that one minute he'll go from asking about Tara to asking about her mother. Nurses say his train of thought will be off and he'll go back and forth like that."

"Did he know who you were?" Jax asked.

Hale shook his head, "Not until I told him who I was. Said something about being the paper boy though, so I guess he recognized the name."

Jax just nodded and let the silence fall. If Kevin Knowles didn't remember Hale, there was no way in hell he would remember Jax. Hale had been one of Tara's closest friends until she got with Jax.

"What does that have to do with me?" he asked, looking up at Hale again.

"Someone's gotta call her and let her know."

Jax scoffed, "And that honor falls to the ex-boyfriend, right?"

Hale shrugged, "You were obviously a lot closer to her than I was, Teller. I thought you'd probably know a better way to break it to her."

He took a drag off his cigarette, "You're better off calling her, Hale."

"You don't want to talk to her?"

Jax shrugged, "That's not what I meant. I just—I wouldn't know what to say." He chuckled, "'Hi, I know it's been almost ten years but your dad's sick and they asked me to call'? I can't do that to her."

Jax blew smoke, "Besides, you knew her for a lot longer than I did. She'd probably like to hear from you."

Hale just nodded and put his sunglasses back on. "Should I pass along any well wishes or anything?"

Jax shook his head, "Pretend I don't even know. Why didn't Unser come out?"

Hale grimaced, "I was the one who responded to the call about Kevin. Thought I should be the one to tell you."

Jax nodded, "Where's her dad at now?"

"Back home. They released him from St. Thomas yesterday."

"Okay, thanks."

Hale nodded in response before getting off the bench and walking back to his squad car. As it pulled out, Jax just sat on the bench, eager to let his mind go blank.

"What was that all about?" Clay asked.

Jax sighed, "Just letting me know who's got the biggest dick in Charming."

"Still me, huh?"

Jax laughed and took a drag from his cigarette.

"Is Tara okay?"

Jax nodded, "Her dad's got dementia, wanted me to call her."

"Think you will?" Clay asked.

Jax just shook his head. "Fuck no. I don't want any part of that shit storm." As Clay walked off, Jax called out to him, "Hey! Gonna take the rest of the afternoon off! See you at Church tonight!"

…

Jax parked his bike in the familiar driveway and took his time taking off his helmet. He didn't know why he had come. If someone had asked him, he probably would've said out of respect, but he didn't know if that was completely true.

The Knowles family house had been one of his favorite places to be for a few years, but now it just seemed like a tomb every time he drove past it. He always hated to see it because it reminded him of the last conversation. He shook his head, he didn't need to think of that now.

He walked up to the doorway, hesitant to knock. What on Earth was he going to say to the man? Tara's dad had _hated_ him while they were together, and probably even more so after Tara left. Going against his better judgment, he rang the doorbell.

He heard someone banging around in the house and the door finally swung open to a surprised and happy Mr. Knowles.

"Oh," his face fell and turned into disgust, "It's you."

Jax smiled, "I missed you too, Kevin."

"Did you drive Tara home from school today?"

Jax frowned and followed Kevin into the house. "I did not."

Kevin turned and looked at him expectantly for a few seconds before Jax remembered how important manners were to the man.

"I did not, _sir,_" he added, as respectfully as he could.

"Where is that girl," Kevin muttered to himself.

"Um, sir, where do you think Tara is?

Kevin turned around, and Jax could see a half empty bottle of whiskey in his hands. "She's.. uh, shouldn't she be at school?"

Jax cocked an eyebrow, "Which school, sir?"

"Charming High, right?"

Jax had to stifle a laugh, "Not quite, Kevin."

The old man just threw up his hands, "When's the last time you talked to her?"

"'97. It's been a few years."

He sat down in the chair, "How is she?"

For a second, Jax just cocked his head to the side, confused on how the man could jump from wondering where Tara was to knowing that she had left. But then he remembered – dementia patients could often jump from one time period to another, often very quickly. He figured it was best to keep up with Kevin's train of thought.

"Doing great, last I heard. Finally became a doctor."

"A doctor, huh?" Kevin asked, surprised etching his face. "She always wanted to be one. Good for her."

Jax just nodded.

An easy silence fell between them, and Jax started to wonder why he had come. He hadn't really spoken to Kevin since Tara left – other than a 'hello, how are you?' at the grocery store.

"Did you go up there? To see her?"

Jax turned his head quickly at the old man, "No… sir, wh—why would I do that?"

Kevin raised an eyebrow at Jax, "Well, she talked about you going with her. I thought you were supposed to go. I figured you'd at least visit her."

Jax exhaled and tried to smile, but it failed him, "No, uh, I—I couldn't leave."

Kevin nodded, realizing how uncomfortable Jax was with the topic… or he couldn't remember what they were talking about. Either way, Jax was glad for the break in conversation.

"Are you waiting for Tara, boy?" Kevin asked with a surprised face. "Did you make her angry again?"

Jax shook his head, "No, sir. I think I'm going to leave now."

Kevin nodded, sitting back in his chair. "Probably a good idea, boy."

He nodded and headed toward the door still wondering why the fuck he had come. He shook his head as he strapped on his helmet and put on his sunglasses.

The ride home was smooth and easy, and Jax found himself glad to have a few moments to himself. It was a rarity these days. Between club duties, working 40 hours a week, and trying to take care of Wendy, alone time was something he was sorely missing.

The MC world was different than the normal world. Biker boys were taught from birth to be tough, never show any emotion – except anger. In the midst of heartache, Jax was expected to forget it and act the exact opposite of the way he really wanted to: he had to drink, hit pussy, get high, and do his job with a smile. If his club and his family knew that all he wanted was to be alone, they'd start worrying about what was wrong with him.

Sometimes he contemplated just telling them all to fuck off and leave him alone, but he couldn't do that. He had to make them think that he was completely fine with it all. Especially with Tara and Wendy. Because while sadness, anger, and love were emotions typically avoided, any emotion expressed towards a woman that wasn't lust...well, that was unacceptable.

He hoped Kevin didn't tell Tara he had come by, but knowing his luck, Kevin would spill the beans as soon as she spoke to her.

…

Gemma looked at the grocery store shelves, running through the list Jax had told her in her mind. _Beer, eggs, bacon, bread, mayonnaise…_ She picked up a loaf of bread from the shelf and checked it to make sure it was soft before putting it in the cart Wendy was pushing.

After her 90 day rehab, Jax had told her they could try again, but warned her that she was running out of chances. So she had stuck to Gemma like glue, keeping her fingers crossed that she'd make it work this time.

"What else did Clay want?" Wendy asked.

Gemma shrugged her shoulders, "Steak, I think. Pretty sure he wants a big dinner for his birthday next week instead of a party."

Wendy grinned, "Pretty sure the boys will throw him a party anyway."

"That's what I'm thinkin'. Maybe we'll just have a big cookout at the clubhouse."

She pushed the cart down the aisle, smiling casually at the different people she saw. She noticed Wendy trying to avoid the eyes of people she knew. Nearly everybody had heard about what happened to her, and she was ashamed to talk to any of them. The only ones who didn't talk to her with that 'I'm so sorry for what happened to you' tone was Gemma and some of the SAMCRO boys. Gemma only spoke to her like she spoke to everybody else, 'get your shit together or I'll run you over.'

It was because she was looking down at her shoes that she nearly ran into Donna Winston.

"I'm—I'm so sorry, Donna."

"It's—it's okay, Wendy, Gemma," she said, looking down at her shoes.

Gemma cocked her head to the side and touched Donna's chin, picking her face up. Sure enough, Donna looked as if she had been crying for hours.

"What's wrong, Donna?"

Donna just shook her head, "I got—I got fired f-from my job at the gas station. K-kenny got sick and I had to call off and they…they fired me, Gemma."

Gemma just held her arms open and took the girl in them, "I know it's hard when they're inside, baby. But you'll be okay."

"I—I don't even have enough money for groceries."

Wendy almost reached a hand out to comfort the woman but hesitated. She caught Gemma's eye, who nodded at her, as if she were giving permission.

"Hey," Wendy soothed. "We'll take care of you, Donna."

"H-how?"

Gemma smiled and squeezed her tighter, "We're shopping right now, sweetie."

Donna pulled herself from Gemma's arms, "No… No I can't do that. I can't just take your money."

"Donna, this is part of the club life. We take care of each other, baby. I know how it is when the boys are inside."

Gemma didn't know whether Donna just needed the money that badly, or if she truly believed what Gemma was saying about family, but she didn't argue.

"I guess we can get the bare minimum…"

Gemma nodded and Wendy started pushing the cart down the aisle again, collecting random things that she needed for the house. They small-talked as they walked, Gemma asking how the kids were, Donna asking about the SAMCRO boys – Gemma noticed Wendy stayed mostly silent.

"So did the kids get to see their dad last Saturday?"

Donna nodded, smiling for the first time since she'd started walking with the women. "They love Family Day."

"Still adjusting okay?"

Donna grimaced, "Kenny's started having nightmares again – thinks something's in his closet. He's sleeping with his lamp on every night and I can't get him to stop."

"Kenny still loves Superman, right?" Wendy asked.

Donna nodded, "It's his favorite. Why?"

"There was a Superman nightlight a few aisles back, maybe you could ease him from the big lamp to a small nightlight."

"That's a good suggestion, Wendy," Gemma appraised.

Donna half smiled, "I, uh, don't really have the money for that."

"Nonsense," Gemma said. "You're with us. And actually, I have a few errands to run. I'm going to leave you girls to it." She turned to Wendy, "Don't forget that list Jax gave you. He'll be pissed if you forget the mayonnaise," she smiled.

Reluctantly, she handed Wendy her debit card. Ordinarily, she wouldn't have trusted it with Wendy, but she figured that Donna could keep Wendy straight for a few hours.

"Wha—what errands, Gem?" Wendy asked.

Gemma just smiled, "Pay the electric bill, I forgot it was due tomorrow."

She waved to the two women and headed out to her SUV, forming her plan. Clay didn't need to know about this, although he'd probably find out anyway. She would for sure have to tell Unser, make sure this guy didn't press charges against her…but that would work out eventually.

Gemma had been keeping tight tabs on Donna since Opie went away. She liked the girl well enough, but she knew how it was when the guys were in prison. Donna's job at the gas station had been a shitty one at best, but it was one that could keep the bills paid and food on the table.

But this asshole firing her…well that was unacceptable. And Gemma was pretty sure that this guy knew all about SAMCRO. And if he didn't – he would soon.

She pulled into the parking lot of Mae's Stop 'N Go, one of the oldest businesses in Charming – she had known the original Mae from her teenager days. She had been a golden angel, often looking out for Gemma when she first had Jax, helping babysit and things of that nature. Mae had often been one of the first numbers Gemma dialed if she was having trouble with babies Jax and Opie.

But over time, Mae had gotten old and eventually passed her business down to her son, Jacob. He was an asshole but when Gemma said something about Donna needing a job all those years ago, Mae had made her son offer it to Donna.

She took off her sunglasses and left them in the car with her purse. She thought about grabbing the gun in her bag and taking it in with her but decided it would be easier on everybody if she didn't. Besides, Clay had been pushing them all to lay down and stay out of the Feds' crosshairs, so the last thing they needed was Gemma pulling a gun on somebody.

Keeping her head held high, Gemma walked into the store and waited several minutes for the store to clear before walking to the counter.

"Hello, Gemma. What can I do for you today?" Jacob asked. His tone was less-than-pleasant, as always.

"Got some business with you," Gemma said.

"What's that?"

Gemma smiled and motioned for Jacob to lean forward, as if she were telling him a secret. He rolled his eyes, but he obliged her – just as he leaned in, Gemma reached forward and grabbed Jacob's neck, "Heard you fired Donna Winston. That true?"

"I—Yeah, I did. She called in sick again."

Gemma squeezed harder, "She's got shit to deal with right now, she needs this job."

"Ev—everybody needs a job right now, Gemma!"

"You're going to give Donna her job back, Jake."

He struggled against her, "I can't do—do that, Gemma!"

She smiled, "Well, you're going to. Or SAMCRO will come back and make sure of it. You know who SAMCRO is, right?"

Jake tried to nod against her hand, "I-I pay Clay money to keep my business afloat."

Gemma smiled, "I'm the President's old lady. Did you know that?" Jake shook his head. "Don't make Clay come down here, because he won't be as friendly as I am."

She let go of his neck and smiled sweetly. "We clear?"

Jake grabbed his neck and nodded. "Donna's shift starts in two hours."

"See ya, Jake."


End file.
